Obvious Douchebag

How to Douche a Lady

2009-05-27T15:38:00.007-04:00

This is Electrik Red. Their album is called How to Be a Lady. . .

Here's a tip: try pants.

Douchey Moore

2009-05-22T13:27:00.003-04:00

I've got nothing against Mandy Moore, but let me be perfectly clear. . .

. . .if this is some Sasha Fierce shit, I am ready, willing, and able to do the Heisman on that ho.

Take Some Time to Enjoy the Douche

2009-05-21T13:11:00.006-04:00

This clip is awesome, and the nice weather outside has put me in a good mood. . .

. . .so, I'm just gonna let Jesse "The Body" Ventura's Gallagher 'do slide right by me. Nope, not gonna mention it at all.

A Douchestorm Is Approaching!

2009-04-17T14:14:00.002-04:00

Suck on it, NOM. . .

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

NASA Name Contest

Suck on it twice, Mormons.

Douche Your Motherdouching MySpace!

2009-04-09T12:59:00.002-04:00

This may be my new favorite song...

...or the worst thing I've ever heard. I can't decide.

Douchebags for Marriage

2009-04-08T15:29:00.002-04:00

The only storm that's gathering is the HUGE cloud of Massengil this ad is generating...

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Jesusophile

2009-04-07T09:55:00.005-04:00

Speaking of vaginas...

There are only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch. But it's good to know America doesn't have the monopoly on inarticulate, misogynistic fundies, yeah? Progress!

Here's to you, Jesusophile: I can't remember the last time I found any one thing SO offensive. I was going to pull out some choice quotes, but really the entire thing is a master class in Advanced Jackassness. If your jaw hasn't dropped by the 0:50 mark, the love of God is not in you.

Douche in Advertising

2009-04-06T11:49:00.003-04:00

Take your broke ass to the jewelry store, buy some pearls, and get ready to clutch them...

I saw this for the first time yesterday at a friend's house and it almost got by me. Aren't there censors for this sort of thing?! Though it is, admittedly, a step up from this gem...

Well, if Google AdSense didn't think this was a feminine hygiene blog before, it certainly will now.

"Douchebaggery 101"

2009-04-03T18:42:00.001-04:00

Sarah Haskins did all the work for me. All I had to do was copy the embed code...

They Don't Douche Us, We Douche Them

2009-04-02T15:35:00.002-04:00

What else can I say? Glenn Beck is fucking crazy...

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The 10/31 Project

comedycentral.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

NASA Name Contest

The Douce, the Douche, the Douce Is on Fire!

2009-04-01T16:42:00.002-04:00

Is this why people in Jersey aren't allowed to pump their own gas? Tell the truth and shame the devil!

The Lonely Douchebag

2009-03-27T10:13:00.003-04:00

If there were words to articulate just how much I hate this song, I'm sure they'd be too vulgar to print...

Day N Nite - KiD CuDi

I never thought I'd think, "Man, this could really use some auto-tune," but Kid Cudi proved me wrong. I'd rather he sound like a robot (read: everyone else in hip-hop right now) than a valium addict. Next!

I See A Douche In Your Future

2009-03-24T21:23:00.003-04:00

Miss Cleo announces that she is a Lesbian; failed to see that nobody would care.

Easy now.

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Tammy Bruce

2009-03-24T10:14:00.003-04:00

This anonymous bitch right here...

Funny she's SO confounded by the idea of "talking like a white person," but she can pick up on a "black" accent like that... Heifer, please!

Thanks (and I use the term loosely) to Raina for sending this our way. We consider Tammy Bruce's level of douchebaggery to be severe and highly contagious. Prolonged exposure could lead poorly feigned indignation and delusions of relevance. ("David After Dentist"? Really?)

Fighting Douchebags with Douchebags

2009-03-23T10:13:00.005-04:00

MTV has an important message for our nation's youth: violence ~~only begets more violence~~ is the solution to all your problems!

MTV Shows

Am I the only one who remembers when cagefighting was something you had to order on pay-per-view/show ID to rent at Blockbuster? Well, grab the kids and pop some popcorn 'cause now it's primetime television (and an after-school activity if you live in Dallas)...

Bully Beatdown lets victims of bullying throw their tormentors into the ring against professional MMA fighters. Because giving sociopaths a taste of the pain they inflict on others is a GREAT idea, right?

*crickets*

Stay classy, America!

808s and Douchebags

2009-03-12T11:24:00.002-04:00

Riddle me this, Batman...

Was Kanye West on American Idol specifically to show the kids you don't need vocal skill to be a chart-topping singer? 'Cause Britney Spears covered that shit about 10 years ago.

Smoking Douchies

2009-03-10T20:38:00.003-04:00

I once called someone "triflin'" and they didn't know what I meant...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Raina, I should sue you for bringing this into my life. I'm pressin' charges!

It's all cute and funny now, but I promise you he'll be back on YouTube in 5 years teaching you how to smoke crack out of a coke can. What then, people, what then?

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Code OMFG!!!

2009-03-05T15:53:00.005-05:00

You already know...

In case you missed it, Chris Brown was charged with 2 felonies related to Rihanna's assault on Grammy night.

According to L.A. Police Detective DeShon Andrews statement:

A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.

And that was just the warm-up... I'm a bit squeamish, so if you want to read the rest, you'll need to click here.

Everybody and their mother's auntie's neighbor has been screaming their opinion on this mess the past few weeks. But seeing as Mr. Lovey Dovey Kiss Kiss hasn't ponied up any bruises and bite marks of his own, I think they need to put that little bastard in jail, end of.

But like they say, every dark cloud has a silver lining. And I think the one good thing to come out of all this mess is the fact that I no longer think Chris Brown and Ne-Yo are the same person.

The Douche Dress

2009-03-05T14:06:00.010-05:00

I swear on everything, I was watching America's Next Top Model last night (I'm pro-Aminat, btw), looked at myself on the couch under a blanket, and thought "It'd be kind of a cool avant-garde, entirely impratical, couture-y thing if someone made a dress like this." I'm paraphrasing.

Regardless, it looks like your grandma has been busy lately: guess what I just saw on Jezebel...

First off, I'd just like to say $349?? HELL, NAH! Secondly, so there's no confusion, my blanket isn't nearly that tacky. And, finally, who do I need to contact to receive my royalty checks?

Douchebags on Ice

2009-03-04T14:59:00.001-05:00

Barack Obama does not care about Tanya Harding...

...and who the fuck does?

This video is a whole bunch of "wtf?" wrapped up in some "bitch, please!" with a side of "oh, word?" But it does give me an excuse to throw this up:

A Woman a Douche Walked By

2009-03-04T13:40:00.005-05:00

I've been waiting for someone to leak this for days now...

I'm not a fairweather fan or anything, I just didn't want to drop the money on the single when I'm already going to buy the album when it comes out. That's fair, right?

I dig the song, but it sounds to me more like her collaboration with Josh Homme on Desert Sessions 9 & 10 than her last album with John Parish. Curiouser and curiouser... Maybe this is a sign I should give up my hopes for "City of No Sun pt. 2." I'll bet my Freshman-year roommate doesn't miss that song. Which is cool; I don't miss him.

Regardless, A Woman A Man Walked By comes out March 31. In related news, don't fucking bother me on March 31.

Extended Doucheout for AIG

2009-03-02T19:19:00.002-05:00

Remember last year when we (taxpayers) bought an 80% stake in AIG to the tune of a $150B bailout? They just posted a $61.7B loss. FOR THE QUARTER. And you thought subprime mortgages were a bad investment

But that's ok AIG. Here's another THIRTY BILLION DOLLARS. You're welcome.

This country is being shot out of a cannon right into a brick wall. The most lucrative investment available as of this post is the 6-pack of Chicken McNuggets extra value meal.

Douchey Playground

2009-03-02T18:16:00.003-05:00

Lace up your Doc Martens, kids, it's the mid-90s all over again. And I'm not just talking about the Dow...

Remember those guys? Of course you don't. Regardless, Marcy Playground is releasing a new album. "Leaving Wonderland in a Fit of Rage" is due out in June.

Good luck getting "Sex and Candy" out of your head.

Douche It on the Alcohol

2009-02-27T11:03:00.004-05:00

I've always been a big fan of music videos, which is why the events of the past two days are hurting my heart...

The video for Jamie Foxx's new (and terrible) single "Blame It on the Alcohol" features Jake Gyllenhaal and Ron Howard... because that makes sense. The first person to Crank Dat Brokeback and/or Opie on YouTube is my new best friend. Get on it!

Hypocridouche

2009-02-26T20:49:00.002-05:00

Jerry Seinfeld is executive producing a new reality series.

The series is about celebrities resolving people's marriage issues. Who better to help people resolve their marriage issues than the man who dated a 17 year old in his thirties before eventually finding his current wife, who had just returned from her honeymoon when she met him, promptly divorcing her husband. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We Gettin' Douchebag Money

2009-02-26T15:24:00.004-05:00

You can correct the pronunciation all you want, Busta, it will always be "A-rab" Money to me. Know this.

So, where'd all the money go? Obviously not this video. I still love him, though.

OshKosh B'Douche

2009-02-25T14:42:00.004-05:00

First Tobey Keith, now this douchebag?

That's right, K-Fed announced his line of children's clothes today. According to the press release:

“It’s a really tough business, I’m trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans... You buy your kids a pair of True Religions then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone. With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable.”

*blink blink*

This is not relateable, Kevin. You're buying True Religions for children, why? What's the concept? And how many pairs of $200 jeans did the little brats have to ruin before you realized there's a place called Wal-Mart? Get your dumb ass outta here...

Follow Up: Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry's Madea in Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail Douches to #1. Tyler Perry.

2009-02-23T11:21:00.007-05:00

Weekend Top 10
1. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (Lionsgate) OPENER $41.1M Wkd [2,032 Theaters]
2. Taken (20th Century Fox) $11.4M Wkd [3,102], Cume $95.1M
3. Coraline 3-D (Focus Features) $11M Wkd [2,155], Cume $53.3M
4. He's Just Not That Into You (NL/Warner Bros) $8.5M Wkd [3,050], Cume $70M
5. Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight) $8M Wkd [2,244], Cume $98M
6. Friday The 13th (NL/Warner Bros) $7.8M (-81%) Wkd [3,105], Cume $55M
7. Confessions Of A Shopaholic (Disney) $7M Wkd (-53%) [2,507], Cume $27.6M
8. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Columbia/Sony) $7M Wkd [2,835], Cume $121.3M
9. Fired Up (Screen Gems/Sony) OPENER $6M Wkd [1,810]
10. The International (Sony) $4.4M (-52%) Wkd [2,364], Cume $17M

In related news, the previously mentioned "Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry's Madea in Tyler Perry's Madea Takes a Shit" has been fast-tracked. Tyler Perry.

Ob(li)vious Douchebags

2009-02-20T21:33:00.004-05:00

You thought your house was a little out of your price range? Check out these two:

This is like a meeting of douchebags anonymous. These two because they thought they could afford a $1.5 Million apartment on his $20K a year salary. The sellers because they sold it to them, and the bank for approving the loan.

Don't worry guys. We just passed the bailout. You can unpack the boxes.

The Douchebag's Guide to Style

2009-02-20T11:58:00.003-05:00

All your dreams have come true: Toby Keith has a clothing line!

Seriously, who co-signed this shit? I know the fashion industry is struggling in "these uncertain times," but damn.

If you're a gay man with a thing for rednecks (or Bret Michaels), though, today's your lucky day. But I suggest you neither ask nor tell 'cause your ass might get lynched.

There's a New Douche in Town

2009-02-20T11:51:00.005-05:00

As you may have noticed, the last post was not done by yours truly. Obvious Douchebag has gone co-op. Get into it!

Steve offered me $20 worth of Entenmann's cinnamon rolls for a contributor spot, and it was an offer I couldn't refuse. Laugh all you want, but this is a recession. Make him feel welcome, douchebags.

Caution: Falling Douchebags

2009-02-20T10:50:00.004-05:00

Look out below! Remember folks, always keep your balance when you're graffito-tagging a bridge over a busy road.

And he didn't just fall off, he was hit by a truck! What won't a douchebag do for the sake of his art?

Douche My Conglomerate

2009-02-18T14:33:00.002-05:00

I heard this on the radio yesterday and had to wipe the drool off my steering wheel...

Conglemerate - Busta Rhymes

I've fucked with Busta since he was getting chased by elephants and doing neon tribal dance, so I guess I always will. I do wish he'd start screaming again, though...

Shaking Like a Douchebag to the Sun

2009-02-17T14:35:00.002-05:00

Two posts in one day? It's a beautiful day in the doucheyhood.

Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

There are few sounds I love more than Karen O's voice, so a new Yeah Yeah Yeahs single is a "hold everything! where are my headphones?" situation for me. Enjoy!

Douchebags Having Douchebags

2009-02-17T13:54:00.003-05:00

Teen pregnancy must be a stressful and somewhat sad situation, I'm sure...

But if you like it, then you should've put a rubber on it. Next!

Douche on a Plane

2009-02-16T11:16:00.003-05:00

Your auntie missed her flight and the results were LEGENDARY...

I *adore* this woman. I had a similar moment last Friday at Wendy's when the cashier told me they were out of Flavor-Dipped Barbeque Chicken Sandwiches. True story.

Bat for Douches

2009-02-06T12:28:00.002-05:00

Don't let the snarky title deceive you, I am obsessed with this song.

Glass - Bat For Lashes

Douche the Stanky Legg

2009-02-03T10:31:00.006-05:00

Here's my story; it's sad but true...

I was Facebook stalking (don't hate, you do it too) a friend of mine about two months ago, and someone had posted the above tragedy on his wall. As it was November and the video was originally posted in April, I did a little "waaah waaah" for Them G-Spot Boyz -- girls, if you let these stanky douchebags anywhere near your g-spot, that's on you -- and went about my merry way.

So, imagine my surprise when I saw the video getting press over at C&D a couple of weeks ago. Ô rage! Ô désespoir!

Well, apparently that extra three seconds of fame was enough for these Lords of the Dance to re-shoot the video with mind-blowing special effects in exotic locales (read: they bought a smoke machine and bribed a high school principal with a case of St. Ides so they could film in the gym). If you enjoy your hot mess microwaved a day later, then this should be right up your stank-ass alley:

I know my expectations should be well lower, but "That YOUR Hot" @ 1:56... if I wasn't saved, I'd cuss these bastards out in the YouTube comments.

Diary of a Mad Black Douchebag

2009-01-21T13:58:00.002-05:00

And be sure to check out Tyler Perry's next blockbuster, Madea Takes a Shit, due out this Fall.

Busta... What It Is Right Now?

2009-01-19T16:03:00.003-05:00

I was checking my MySpace when I came across this flick...

Will someone please tell me if Flo Rida' and Busta Rhymes are the same person? Like my friend Raina said, "They just turned the pic." Damn this recession!

Yes We Douche!

2009-01-16T12:43:00.004-05:00

It was announced today that the female version of a hustla' of a of a hustla' will be singing for the Obama's first inaugural dance. The question now is what song will she perform.

Anyone with even a passing knowledge of the great American songbook knows there's only one clear choice...

The mental image you now have of Barack and Michelle patting their weaves and snapping for the kids... you're welcome.

Crush on Douche

2009-01-13T18:08:00.002-05:00

In case you've ever wondered if Lil' Kim would make a good junior high guidance counselor, skip ahead to 2:26...

Sometimes, It's a Little TOO Obvious...

2009-01-12T18:58:00.004-05:00

I kicked around the idea of doing weekly recaps of Vh1's latest tragedy, Tool Academy. But I decided against it for 3 reasons...

1st (and foremost), someone at the Vh1 Blog already took care of it. That's even where I got the above screencap...

Which brings me to my 2nd reason: I have neither the screen-capture capabilities nor the photoshop/.gif-making skills to make it worth your time.

And 3rd--- I couldn't even get all the way through the first episode.

You see, kids, while my heart leapt at the idea of such obvious douchebags being brought low before the whole nation, the advertisements left out one key point: their girlfriends.

The whole premise is that each of these jackasses (miraculously) has a woman in his life, and she's signed him up for this reform school in hopes of making him a better person. What I didn't know going in is that the girls go through the process with them, attending couples therapy sessions and competing in the challenges.

Which is all well and good, until you see just how badly these guys treat their girlfriends. It's one thing to be an embarrassment at parties; it's altogether another to be abusive.

Some of the guys laugh about cheating on their girlfriends. Others brag about how they "run" or have "trained" their lovers. One guy is actually unemployed and living off his girlfriend's child support checks... *Danny Thomas spit take*

All this begs the question: why Tool Academy, ladies? Why not, you know, A BREAKUP? No manners. No romance. No money. And I simply cannot believe any of these guys are beating it like a cop (no Lil' Wayne). Sounds like an exit cue to me.

The guys may be tools, but the girls are morons. And tool + moron = a painful viewing experience. I only got about 10 minutes in before I went and started playing my piano.

So, as much as I thought this show might be my destiny, I'm going to have to part ways with it early. Too bad I can't give these sad little girls the same advice.

Welcome to Post-Douchebag America!

2009-01-12T10:48:00.005-05:00

30 Rock -- a.k.a. the best show currently on television -- provided the two best moments of last night's Golden Globes broadcast...

It's getting to the point where I don't even think Tracy Morgan can distinguish himself from his character anymore, and it's fantastic.

Every time I see Tina Fey on screen, it seems I love her more and more, which is saying something considering on his my TV at least once a week.

And if you want to know more about those Ms. Fey cordially invited to "suck it," Gawker has your back.

It's Like Rubbing Two Douchebags Together

2009-01-09T18:57:00.006-05:00

My old high school is probably using this as an actual PSA, now...

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

(found on the Best Week Ever blog)

Slightly Less-Obvious Douchebag

2009-01-09T17:58:00.005-05:00

So, I just read an article about pantyhose for men...

Now, I'm not calling out the men who purchased such a thing as obvious douchebags. What you wear under your clothes is of no concern to me, do you.

And by that same token (no Theesfeld), I'm not calling out their freaked-out wives either 'cause I understand they may not feel the same as I do... but if they don't like it, then they shouldn't have put a ring on it; I'm just sayin'.

No, friends, the true douchebags are the horrible people who coined the terms "mantyhose" and "mirdle." It was probably hard enough for these guys to overcome the stigma of wearing a bodyshaper; can we at least give them some dignity in the terminology? Damn.

Montre-Toi, Douchebag!

2009-01-08T17:40:00.004-05:00

My friends, I am obsessed with this ad...

I would've been about 5 years old when this aired, and I guess Chanel thought they were too good to advertise during Inspector Gadget. Whatever.

I laughed my ass off when Margaret Cho made reference to it back in the day, but I never looked it up. I guess I'm making up for lost time, though--- as it's only 34-seconds long, saying I've watched it 30 times today might be an underestimate.

There's something about it that makes me think of Schoenberg's Pierrot Lunaire and the 3rd movement of Crumb's Ancient Voices of Children (as does the 4th movement of Nico Muhly's "Mothertongue," which I recently bought), two of my favorite compositions... I was a music major, bear with me.

Now I know I'm a sworn Gaultier guy, but this commercial has quickly become one of my favorite works of art. Which, I realize, is strange for a commercial, but what are you going to do?

And the personal irony of it all, Égoïste the fragrance was the inspiration for one of my songs, "Humbert." If only I'd thought to include screaming French women during the bridge. Oh well, live and learn.

God Douche the U.S.A.

2009-01-05T10:31:00.002-05:00

I don't care who's singing it...

God Bless the U.S.A. (Proud to Be an American) - Beyoncé

I hate this fucking song.

And a Happy Douche Year

2008-12-31T12:43:00.002-05:00

Now this is change we can believe in...

According to Jezebel (and confirmed by my middling French comprehension skills) the text translates to "No women's bodies were exploited in this ad." And what better sentiment to close out 2008?

Hope everyone enjoys their NYE festivities! See you in '09.

Diva Is the Female Version of a Douchebag

2008-12-30T17:08:00.004-05:00

I can't let this go by without comment...

Diva (Beyoncé Cover) - Ciara

I had such high hopes for Ciara after "Promise" but those high notes... darling, just sit down.

And I see we're just pretending "Go, Girl" didn't happen. I understand.

Seasons Douchings!

2008-12-23T12:02:00.002-05:00

I'm about an hour from leaving for the airport. Christmas will be spent with the family and the GA friends. But as my parents are Betty and Barney Rubble, I will be without internets until Sunday. So in my absence, I've harnessed the power of YouTube to pass on some of my favorite Winter-time tunes.

Enjoy your holiday, and try not to be that drunk douchebag under the mistletoe at the party. You know who you are...

Lord, Send a Revival!

2008-12-17T15:01:00.002-05:00

If you combined the sights of the church I grew up in with the sounds that were going on in my head during most services, the result would be a little something like this...

Douche Two Ferns

2008-12-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

I, personally, was devastated at the 1:21 mark...

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis by Between Two Ferns

Paul Blart: Douche Cop

2008-12-16T21:26:00.004-05:00

This is the featured clip on YouTube today:

Just when you start to think "The only way this could possibly be worse is if 'Living on a Prayer' kicked in right about now"...

But Wait! There's More...

2008-12-15T20:27:00.004-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Proposition 8

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Okay, so this blog has taken a serious turn. I promise I'll get back to the bullshit sooner than later (if you truly need to be appalled in the interim, check out that Keyshia Cole/2pac collabo...), but this struck a nerve.

I remember being in college and one of my roommates making a comment about Carson from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" -- yes, I was in college when that show was on; I'm old, let's get past it -- something to the extent of "Does he have to be SO over-the-top about being gay?"

And in the moment I was really taken aback 'cause how do you answer that? Some guys are just really feminine. And some of them are even straight. But you know that's not going to satisfy the question.

So I tried to explain that this is what you have to do in the beginning; you have to put the stereotypes out for public consumption before they can handle the nuances of reality.

And, being black, I pulled from my history: there was a bit of a gap between Hattie McDaniel in Gone with the Wind and Sidney Poitier in In the Heat of the Night, wasn't there?

So it was interesting to me hearing Jon Stewart's response to the concept of a "Stater Negro." It is something that caused dissent in the black community. Look at what came next, the Blaxploitation films of the 70s. Look at how we responded to what we saw as a slight, that we were only acceptable so long as we were dressed up and eloquent, as long as we were, essentially, "white."

Why is it then that we would put the gay community through the same ringer?

I know the California stats. I know that even though a high percentage of blacks voted Yes, blacks don't make up a high percentage of the black population.

But I also know what it is to grow up in the black community. And we can hide behind numbers all we want, but the fact is homophobia is bred in us at such a young age we don't even process it.

When Larry said black men on the "down low" aren't trying to hide from their wives, they're trying to hide from other black men, I wanted to cry. There are so many layers of sadness in that statement, and all of them are true.

But it's the American way, isn't it? The only way you can rise up in this country is to step on someone else.

Ain't that about a bitch?

Mike Huckadouche

2008-12-10T14:00:00.004-05:00

It's no secret that I think Mike Huckabee is full-tilt dumbass...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

...but wow. There's a difference between burning someone at the stake and marrying someone of the same sex: namely that one is murder and the other is not.

Props to Jon Stewart for dismantling Huckabee's argument in such a calm manner 'cause Lord knows that kind of ignorance tends to foam my mouth.

If I can get personal for a second (which obviously I can 'cause who's going to stop me?), I grew up surrounded by people who thought like Huckabee, and many of them still do. And it scares me because, as Huckabee himself points out, these people are training the next generation. I can't tell you how many times I heard the "being black is genetic, being gay is a choice" argument. But I can tell you that I started hearing it before I was even 12. By the time I was in high school, the idea of a contrary idea was more than offensive, it was inconceivable. If I hadn't fallen in love with a guy when I was a teenager -- and subsequently been scared out of my wits -- I probably never would've even questioned my own thinking. And frankly, most people don't (because they don't see a reason to).

It's like that line in "The Healer"--- You don't have to believe everything you think. All of us have, to some degree, been programmed. For good or ill. But I think an essential requirement of humanity is obtaining wisdom, questioning the information that comes your way. Or, in a word, analysis. Otherwise, we're just monkeys that talk.

And if you call me a monkey, we beefin'.

Douche Me Baby One More Time

2008-12-09T17:37:00.004-05:00

I'll say this, his mother was much more supportive than I could've been. If my child ever got that much water on my bathroom floor, I would back-slap the rotten brat till my hand got tired...

And the choreography was whack anyway. Step your game up, little dude.

I've Seen This Before...

2008-12-08T12:49:00.003-05:00

Is it me, or does this...

Right Here (Departed) - Brandy

...take place in the same weird futurecitynetherworld as this?

(And, now that I think about it, this?)

En Vogue - too gone too long

It's the music video equivalent of the Taco Bell font, I guess.

TMI

2008-12-03T11:35:00.002-05:00

Forgive me if this is saying too much...

O... Saya - M.I.A.

...but this song gets me wet. Carry on.

(recommendation: listen to it with headphones)

We Need to Talk...

2008-12-02T14:32:00.001-05:00

Tina, now you know I've always loved you, and I always will.

But...

...you are doing absolutely too damn much.

Live from New York...

2008-11-17T18:14:00.006-05:00

If you were as worried as I was that SNL would start sucking again now that Sarah Palin has ~~been exiled~~ returned home to Alaska, rest easy and breathe deep; everyone's favorite weekend sketch show crushed the competition. Literally.

That impression devastates me every time I watch it (and I've been watching it all day...yes, I have a job). The sound effect at the 0:53 mark--- priceless.

And then, in what I took as 3 giant snaps in a circular motion to the kids on YouTube, Paul Rudd, surprise guest Justin Timberlake, and Beyahweh herself spoofed the "Single Ladies" video to perfection...

"Dance biscuits" sent my soul to the Upper Room. I'm sure I'll see you there.

All gifts from Virgo aside, was this not the GAYEST episode in SNL history? There were no less than 5 sketches that involved dude-on-dude lovin' (and that's not even counting "the dancers" above). I guess we can chalk it up to Prop 8 one way or the other; some people thought the show was trying to parody the homo-panic that helped the proposition pass. But not everyone was feeling it.

I say as long as I laugh...but who the fuck am I? What's your take on the matter?

The No-Douche Zone

2008-11-11T18:53:00.003-05:00

I'm not going to make any snarky comments about this. If you've got the time, please give it a view.

(If you really need a laugh, though, check this out. I'm always looking out for you. Fair warning: the third pic left me for dead...)

Náttúra!

2008-10-26T19:34:00.009-04:00

There's a new Björk single out. And if it surprises you that this song is dominating my life, why are you even reading this?

It's a real shame "Náttúra" wasn't on Volta; the drums on this track are DEVASTATING. And it blows my mind that Björk's voice is still so powerful after all these years. Good lord, woman.

Best of all, this one's for charity, kids. All the proceeds from the single go to the Náttúra campaign to preserve Iceland's natural landscape. And if you know anything about Iceland's economic situation right now, you know they need all the help they can get.

Click here to hear a little sample of "Náttúra." And if you like what you hear, download it for $0.99 on iTunes; you know the drill.

*Update*

And as an aside, this woman is in her 40s... Icelandic don't crack.

The Obvious Douchebag Guide to Parenting

2008-10-24T16:07:00.003-04:00

When I was little, I once got yelled at for doing my best Jessica Rabbit walk in public... but enough about me.

What I'm saying is I appreciate parents who don't shame their sons for being feminine---

But you could at least encourage them to be respectable young ladies and not the next generation of "those girls" at the club. God give me strength.

And the Grammy Goes to...

2008-10-21T16:55:00.001-04:00

You know he slaughtered the competition with that eyebrow jig at the end. Get into this.

Breakin' 2: Electric Douchealoo

2008-10-17T14:38:00.001-04:00

This is awesome:

ICYMI - 7 Yr. Old Break Dancer On Ellen @ Yahoo! Video

But seriously, what decade is it??

Ultra Douche

2008-10-15T14:08:00.003-04:00

God bless the screw-ups at Wal-Mart Canada, and God bless the bloggers at Best Week Ever for reporting on it.

This is indeed a glorious day in Douchedom. We will celebrate with a bottle of Heineken and a shallow bath in Axe body spray.

The bad news is, the website didn't put a ring on it and the listing has since been corrected. But if their previous mix-up with the "feminine spray" is any indication, the Walmart Canada site may in fact be the most interesting thing on the web. Those damn foreigners are always one step ahead, aren't they?

He Could Teach You, But He'd Have to Charge

2008-10-13T20:58:00.003-04:00

Just like I love a woman who can help me put together my furniture, few things make me happier than a dude who will dip it, pop it, twerk it, stop it for all of YouTube to see.

That ghostly chill you just felt was his killing you hoes.

If I Were a Douche

2008-10-13T17:29:00.004-04:00

The videos for Beyoncé's two new singles -- "If I Were a Boy" and "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" -- dropped today. Which just leaves me with one question...

...why is Baltimore radio still playing "Upgrade U" like that shit just came out? 92Q, you are on notice.

(in other news, good GOD she's pretty)

Thank You for Being a Douche

2008-10-10T13:01:00.003-04:00

My day = made

Good night, everybody!

Joe Douchepack!

2008-10-06T15:02:00.006-04:00

Drinking games, double-talk, QUEEN LATIFAH... I can find no fault.

Funny, her views on marriage sound an awful like my old Southern Baptist high school...

Of all the Palin parodies they've done thus far (and even as Sarah herself becomes more and more of a self-parody) this one is definitely the best, IMO.

And equal props for calling out Obama/Biden's complete hypocrisy on same-sex rights.

I honestly don't even want to vote this year.

The Dynamic Douchebag Duo

2008-09-30T15:30:00.003-04:00

I was driving up to get my oil changed yesterday when the announcer on the radio said, "Soulja Boy featuring Bow Wow: 'Marco Polo.'"

To which I replied (because I talk to myself in the car), "No part of that sounds appealing..."

Marco Polo - Bow Wow feat. Soulja Boy

...and no part of it is.

The Douchebag News

2008-09-24T18:24:00.003-04:00

MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski was apparently given an award for being one of the most powerful women in New York. The following is how her co-workers responded:

ICYMI: Mika Brzezinski Hates Her Co-Hosts @ Yahoo! Video

Aww, silly girl, she thinks she's people.

Notorious Douchebag

2008-09-24T11:06:00.005-04:00

My only question, why is the chick that I'm presuming to be Lil' Kim so tall?

**UPDATE**

Okay, I had to get to the bottom of this mess. IMDB to the resuce.

First off, Naturi Naughton (the one in the right) is Lil' Kim. You might remember her from 3LW... **silence**

This is the woman playing Faith: Antonique Smith, apparently; Her only other film credit is "Hooker" in Across the Universe. Stop laughing, you know God don't like ugly.

Judging by the headshot, it's not a bad match visually speaking. But did she lose weight for the role or something, 'cause... why?

I thought maybe Charli Baltimore was gonna be in the picture, but upon watching the trailer again, I think it's just the broad playing Faith with different makeup on. Which, if you remember the Get Money video... So maybe they got the casting right after all.

And, honestly, the less I say about Angela Bassett as Voletta Wallace the better.

Whenever I Blog Real Good...

2008-09-18T15:05:00.002-04:00

Creole!

Can I just go ahead and pre-order the album? This song is so absurd I can hardly believe it even exists. "Mix it all together, it's a delicacy" ...I almost fell out of my damn chair.

Of course, if it doesn't end up making the final tracklist, all bets are off.

"Dull Flame of Desire" --Bjork and Antony Hegarty

2008-09-17T12:32:00.002-04:00

You didn't think I missed this, did you?

Bjork and Antony performed in front of a green screen and then sent the raw footage to 3 amateur filmmakers. Each director's take on the footage was edited into one final piece.

In other news, it is INSANE that Bjork still looks that good in her 40s. What do they have in the water in Iceland?

Douchebag Double-Talk

2008-09-17T10:20:00.005-04:00

Kells has obviously been honing his rhetorical skills with the McCain/Palin campaign...

The look on Toure's face when R. Kelly asks, "When you say teenaged, how old are we talking?" = priceless

Like he wanted to respond with, "Oh sure, no problem, one big bowl of Nigga Please coming right up!"

Douchebag Hero

2008-09-16T12:52:00.002-04:00

How high was he??

Lil' Wayne on SNL: Worst Guitar Solo Ever? @ Yahoo! Video

You know, this is probably what Oasis was afraid of...

Tic Toc (Rye Rye ft. M.I.A.)

2008-09-12T10:54:00.003-04:00

This track dropped yesterday and has completely monopolized the last two hours of my life. Sorry I don't have a stream to put up here, but definitely go to the Mad Decent blog and check it out from the source.

Flashing Lights, Indeed

2008-09-11T14:21:00.003-04:00

Looks like Kanye got arrested for cranking that Bjork on the paps at LAX.

If you're curious and don't mind briefly dealing with the antiChrist, you can see the video over at TMZ.

Fashion Rocks; Cancer Sucks

2008-09-10T18:53:00.005-04:00

Fashion Rocks was televised on CBS last night. If you don't know, it's basically a big concert/fashion show mashup that takes place every year and pays tribute to legendary musicians and designers.

I caught most of the show, and I will say it was pretty entertaining. It certainly kicked the crap out of the VMAs, but I've seen finger puppetry that kicked the crap out of this year's VMAs so...

The big surprise for me, though, was seeing all 3,000 women who took part in the Stand Up to Cancer charity single come onstage to perform the song "live." (Those quotation marks are for Mariah who, God love her, seemed to have no idea where she was the whole night... I blame Nick Cannon.)

Now, your guess is as good as mine why Beyoncé put that wig back on after the Etta James tribute was long over. But what I know for certain is once Miley Cyrus and Rihanna started trading bars, my soul went on home to glory.

Just keep telling yourself, "It's for a good cause. It's for a good cause."

Law and Order: Special Douchebag Unit

2008-09-09T09:14:00.006-04:00

You don't want none.

This morning, my friend and co-worker Jen sent me what is probably the greatest news article ever written.

All these herbs and spices before 9:30AM? It's just too much.

And nothing could be more humiliating than some random guy slapping you in the face with an 8-inch sausage and then running away. (Ladies, am I right?)

Video Douchebag Awards

2008-09-08T11:13:00.004-04:00

I don't even have the stamina to discuss the tragedy that was last night's VMAs. (Why was Pink orange? Why did that dude from Tokio Hotel look so much like Bjork circa the Vespertine tour? How did promise rings become such a hot topic? Why did they bleep the word venereal in "A Milli"? Why was Christina Aguilera/Demi Moore/Kobe Bryant/Kid Rock/Slipknot even there?)

The highlight of the night was far-and-away Kanye's closing number. And even that seemed like a financial-aid version of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony. I'm too through.

Donny Deutschbag

2008-09-05T18:33:00.006-04:00

If ever in my life I wanted to punch someone in the face...

Look, it's safe to say I don't like Sarah Palin. It's actually safe to say she makes me kinda violent. Whatever, she doesn't live in my apartment complex, so we're cool.

But for Donny Deutsch to say Palin "is the new feminist ideal" because she "put on a skirt" and because "women want to be her, men want to mate with her" (mate with?? --- rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham) is the single most insulting thing I've heard in I don't know how long. And I've seen every episode of I Love New York ever made.

Janice Dickinson's Douchebag Agency

2008-09-05T15:52:00.004-04:00

I have a not-so-secret but difficult-to-defend love for Janice Dickinson...

ANYWAY

When I saw this picture of her on Jezebel, I thought, "Wow, that's probably the best she's looked in awhOH MY GOD, THOSE VEINS ON HER LEG!!"

But still, her face looks not-so-botoxy at that angle, right?

One for the Ladies

2008-09-03T09:09:00.003-04:00

Usher is preparing a tour for ladies only.

The R&B singer revealed in a recent interview with The Associated Press that he will soon announce details of his "One Night Stand" tour. He said specific dates are still being worked out for about 15 "intimate" venues.

To go with the theme, Usher is also planning his own line of lingerie and men's undergarments.

...I can't go there with Usher right now; it's 9am.

For All That "Broke Refugee" Talk...

2008-08-27T17:19:00.005-04:00

...M.I.A. be getting PAID.

swagger like us - t.i. ft kanye west, jay-z & lil wayne

And while we're on the subject: I don't care how funny Pineapple Express was, those of us who bought Kala a year ago are dead sick of you and your people talking about "Paper Planes" like that shit just came out. You've been notified.

Do You Have Any Idea Who This Is?

2008-08-26T09:59:00.006-04:00

Of course you don't.

But nonetheless, Daddy Yankee (that's right, the "Gasolina" dude) wants you to know he's voting for John McCain.

...motherfucker, AND??

Dame más singles and sit the hell down.

Eat Me

2008-08-25T10:42:00.003-04:00

What in the hell?

Full disclosure: I've never read any Palahniuk. Hell, I've never even seen Fight Club. But my Douchey-Sense is tingling away with that promo image. Maybe because it reminds me so much of this.

I'm gonna set the Obvious Douchebag Terror Watch for Choke to a "Code Orange": there will probably be at least 5 guys in Affliction t-shirts in the theater with you if you go see this movie. Excercise moderate caution.

You Took It Too Far

2008-08-19T11:41:00.005-04:00

It's been a minute since we had a big, dramatic charity single, hasn't it?

What would it sound like if 15 of the hottest female singers joined voices? The answer will be revealed Sept. 2. That's when "Just Stand Up" hits airwaves and iTunes. The song features Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Fergie, Sheryl Crow and Miley Cyrus, among others.

(source: Billboard.com)

I know it's for a good cause and all, but I dropped steadily from excited to suicidal as that list of names went on. Jesus be a pitch pipe.

As My Race Gently Weeps

2008-08-15T13:16:00.002-04:00

Billboard.com reports:

Hip-hop entrepreneur Percy Miller, a.k.a. Master P, is launching a family-friendly cable network, Better Black Television.

The network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture," according to a company statement.

Positive content such as this?

Fool me once, Master P...

The Douche-o-lympics

2008-08-13T13:39:00.004-04:00

Oh really, Spain? You don't see how having your Olympic basketball team pull their eyes back to look "more Chinese" while standing on top of a giant dragon could be racist? You meant that to be "respectful"? You don't say.

I quit this bitch.

"Rachel Getting Married"

2008-08-08T10:56:00.002-04:00

No snark here, folks. I just think I really want to see this movie.

Lil' Coop Is GANGSTA

2008-08-07T14:01:00.004-04:00

So you've probably already heard about your (and my) boyfriend Anderson Cooper talkin' shit on Living Lohan while he was filling in for Regis on Regis & Kelly. Then Dina Lohan made a statement to OK! Magazine in response, saying it was "bad karma" for Anderson to be so "cruel."

What, you thought he was going to apologize? Ol' Silver Fox keeps it too real. Check the video.

So now, Ali's father Michael Lohan has stepped in saying:

I think Anderson Cooper is an opinionated, hypocritical idiot who should be an adult and keep his opinion to himself. He is the last person to judge anyone, when he and his own family have their own issues.

He obviously doesn't know how deep AC rolls. I could round up at least 30 girls and gays to ride on his ass TONIGHT. Watch yourself, Lohan.

Obvious Douchebag Watchlist

2008-08-06T16:11:00.003-04:00

Now that he's recovered from surgery following a major car accident with a "female family friend," Morgan Freeman has confirmed that he and his wife of 20+ years are getting a divorce.

...mmmhmm

Having the jaws of life drag your ass out of the wreckage should been enough of a sign that God don't like ugly, Mr. Freeman. I'm just saying.

Look, all the details aren't out yet, but if it walks like a douchebag and talks like a douchebag; well, you know the rest. So I'm putting Morgan Freeman on notice. I don't give a hot damn how cute those penguins were.

Paris Hilton for President

2008-08-06T10:48:00.004-04:00

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

It had been how long since we'd heard from this bitch? And John McCain had to go and rile her up. Nice job, gramps.

Paris Hilton released a mock-campaign video spoofing McCain's recent ads that unfavorably compared Obama to Hilton and Britney Spears (despite the fact that Paris' mom had previously donated money to McCain's campaign).

It's all fun and games now, but remember this is the same nation of douchebags that elected both Schwarzenegger and Jesse "the Body" Ventura to public office. I can't.

I'll be straight up though, nothing would make me happier than seeing White House painted pink... And her energy plan is solid... And I was hoping for a woman in the White House next year...

Maybe I'll be voting this November after all.

FU

2008-08-05T09:31:00.004-04:00

I guess the answer to "now what?" is "throw myself out a fucking window."

My hatred for Maroon 5 is deep and long-standing, and I still haven't forgiven Counting Crows for desecrating "Big Yellow Taxi" with that no-talent Vanessa Carlton. I would rather eat hair than watch Douchefest '08 broadcast over my interwebs. Next.

And They Are Dead-Ass Serious

2008-08-04T21:52:00.005-04:00

I had heard about this ad, but hadn't actually seen it till my friend Mike shot me the YouTube link tonight.

In case you were thinking this was a clever internet satire of modern American moral standards...*buzzer* WRONG. AshleyMadison (I will not link to that mess) is an actual website that hooks married people up with paramours, and this commercial really ran on television for awhile until it got pulled for, well, being slime.

Lord, I need thee every hour.

People that know me know I'm no great champion for the concept of marriage, but this is absurd. And how much did they have to pay poor Fat-Fat to play the "unfuckable broad" in this commercial? 'Cause that's all she will ever be known for now.

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Code Red

2008-07-31T16:37:00.007-04:00

Is he out of his fuckin mind??

If you haven't heard, Toby Keith's new movie (damn this recession!) and single, both titled "Beer for My Horses," actually advocate lynching. That's right: lynching.

Grandpappy told my pappy, back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street for all the people to see

...Back up the damn bus. How did we get here?

I guess free speech is free speech, but I'm actually more than a little disappointed Stephen Colbert let him perform this mess on his show.

Beyond that, I imagine Mr. Keith's tour won't be making any stops in Compton or Bed-Stuy so he may not have much to worry about. You and I on the other hand need to be on full Douchebag Alert. The disease is highly contagious and may have already affected someone you know and love.

Obvious Douchebag Anthem

2008-07-28T18:11:00.005-04:00

Douchebags, date rapists, and skeeves: allow me to introduce you to your Summer 2008 anthem.

Please Excuse My Hands [Feat. Jamie Foxx & The-Dream] (Explicit Album Version) - Plies

What is we gon' do? Between this and "Dat Baby," I can't even drive with my radio on anymore.