Diary of a Mad Black Douchebag

And be sure to check out Tyler Perry's next blockbuster, Madea Takes a Shit, due out this Fall.

Paul Blart: Douche Cop

This is the featured clip on YouTube today:



Just when you start to think "The only way this could possibly be worse is if 'Living on a Prayer' kicked in right about now"...

Notorious Douchebag

My only question, why is the chick that I'm presuming to be Lil' Kim so tall?





**UPDATE**

Okay, I had to get to the bottom of this mess. IMDB to the resuce.

First off, Naturi Naughton (the one in the right) is Lil' Kim. You might remember her from 3LW... **silence**


This is the woman playing Faith: Antonique Smith, apparently; Her only other film credit is "Hooker" in Across the Universe. Stop laughing, you know God don't like ugly.


Judging by the headshot, it's not a bad match visually speaking. But did she lose weight for the role or something, 'cause... why?

I thought maybe Charli Baltimore was gonna be in the picture, but upon watching the trailer again, I think it's just the broad playing Faith with different makeup on. Which, if you remember the Get Money video... So maybe they got the casting right after all.

And, honestly, the less I say about Angela Bassett as Voletta Wallace the better.

Eat Me

What in the hell?



Full disclosure: I've never read any Palahniuk. Hell, I've never even seen Fight Club. But my Douchey-Sense is tingling away with that promo image. Maybe because it reminds me so much of this.

I'm gonna set the Obvious Douchebag Terror Watch for Choke to a "Code Orange": there will probably be at least 5 guys in Affliction t-shirts in the theater with you if you go see this movie. Excercise moderate caution.

Did Not Want circa 1990 . . .

. . . Do not want now.

One for the Kids

Just when I'd stopped asking myself why Cee-Lo changed the lyrics to the song, I was destroyed at the 00:42 mark. Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord.

What Happens at Taco Bell . . .

Does anyone else think this



looks a lot like this




?

Doing Too Damn Much

(not even with another man's dick)

Hulk Hogan is getting another TV show. If you're counting, that brings the grand total to 3 (I'm counting Hogan Knows Best 'cause VH1 still re-runs that mess like it just came out).

What year is it?? Nobody's had HULKAMANIA since the Orioles won the pennant. Yeah, you didn't see that shit coming. Thanks, Wikipedia.

Girl, Stop.

I'm still trying to figure out how Fergie got so many singles out of The Duchess; I cannot comprehend whatsoever why someone co-signed this terrible Sex and the City movie theme.

I always liked the theme music for the TV show (something about that percussion just moves me); why couldn't they just use that? Anyone who's going to see this film doesn't need a pop star on the soundtrack to get them to the theater. It's enough to find out just how much makeup it takes these days to cover up all that old on Kim Cattrall's face. Let me quit.

Douchebags on Film

It's amazing to me that we still live in a society where two grown men having sex in a romantic movie is cause for nationwide pearl clutching, but a bunch of teenage boys beating the crap out of each other is just another weekend at the cineplex.

Though I'd be willing to bet the homoeroticism in Never Back Down is WAY higher than Brokeback anyway.

Deja Vu

I thought it was Groundhog Day when I saw the commercial for Charlie Bartlett the other day. Didn't this movie come out, like, 2 years ago? I could swear I saw the trailer before Marie Antoinette, or at least Borat.

Guess it was one of those movies that got held up for whatever reason. And we all know those movies always turn out to be cinema classics.

Another Jessica Alba Classic

So . . . what, she sees living people? Yawn.

Octogenarian Douchebag

Oh, Sly . . . seriously:


A) We don't need another sequel [to the tune of that Tina Turner/Beyond Thunderdome song].

B) Some pithy statement about hyperviolent state of cinema during the reigns of both Bush's.

C) The midlife crisis thing has been done, but---

D) There's absolutely no reason to film it (TWICE) and project it onto giant screens in theaters around the world.

Before You Go See This Movie, Wait . . .

. . . kill yourself first.

I was gonna write about how the commercials for this movie make it look like a Sci-Fi Channel Original (read: garbage). But upon checking the IMDB listing, I discovered Uwe Boll is the director, so you already know. Fair warning: reading his filmography might give you crabs.

And don't think I don't see you, Ray Liotta.

Careful, Queen

Another heist movie? I'm just saying, they've locked black people up for less. Tread lightly, Miss Owens.

I Am Not Impressed

I will not be attending. If I wanted to stare at Will Smith for 2 hours, I'd settle in for a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon on Nick at Nite.

Next.