How to Douche a Lady

This is Electrik Red. Their album is called How to Be a Lady. . .



Here's a tip: try pants.

The Douce, the Douche, the Douce Is on Fire!

Is this why people in Jersey aren't allowed to pump their own gas? Tell the truth and shame the devil!

Diary of a Mad Black Douchebag

And be sure to check out Tyler Perry's next blockbuster, Madea Takes a Shit, due out this Fall.

Sometimes, It's a Little TOO Obvious...

I kicked around the idea of doing weekly recaps of Vh1's latest tragedy, Tool Academy. But I decided against it for 3 reasons...

1st (and foremost), someone at the Vh1 Blog already took care of it. That's even where I got the above screencap...

Which brings me to my 2nd reason: I have neither the screen-capture capabilities nor the photoshop/.gif-making skills to make it worth your time.

And 3rd--- I couldn't even get all the way through the first episode.

You see, kids, while my heart leapt at the idea of such obvious douchebags being brought low before the whole nation, the advertisements left out one key point: their girlfriends.

The whole premise is that each of these jackasses (miraculously) has a woman in his life, and she's signed him up for this reform school in hopes of making him a better person. What I didn't know going in is that the girls go through the process with them, attending couples therapy sessions and competing in the challenges.

Which is all well and good, until you see just how badly these guys treat their girlfriends. It's one thing to be an embarrassment at parties; it's altogether another to be abusive.

Some of the guys laugh about cheating on their girlfriends. Others brag about how they "run" or have "trained" their lovers. One guy is actually unemployed and living off his girlfriend's child support checks... *Danny Thomas spit take*

All this begs the question: why Tool Academy, ladies? Why not, you know, A BREAKUP? No manners. No romance. No money. And I simply cannot believe any of these guys are beating it like a cop (no Lil' Wayne). Sounds like an exit cue to me.

The guys may be tools, but the girls are morons. And tool + moron = a painful viewing experience. I only got about 10 minutes in before I went and started playing my piano.

So, as much as I thought this show might be my destiny, I'm going to have to part ways with it early. Too bad I can't give these sad little girls the same advice.

Mike Huckadouche

It's no secret that I think Mike Huckabee is full-tilt dumbass...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

...but wow. There's a difference between burning someone at the stake and marrying someone of the same sex: namely that one is murder and the other is not.

Props to Jon Stewart for dismantling Huckabee's argument in such a calm manner 'cause Lord knows that kind of ignorance tends to foam my mouth.

If I can get personal for a second (which obviously I can 'cause who's going to stop me?), I grew up surrounded by people who thought like Huckabee, and many of them still do. And it scares me because, as Huckabee himself points out, these people are training the next generation. I can't tell you how many times I heard the "being black is genetic, being gay is a choice" argument. But I can tell you that I started hearing it before I was even 12. By the time I was in high school, the idea of a contrary idea was more than offensive, it was inconceivable. If I hadn't fallen in love with a guy when I was a teenager -- and subsequently been scared out of my wits -- I probably never would've even questioned my own thinking. And frankly, most people don't (because they don't see a reason to).

It's like that line in "The Healer"--- You don't have to believe everything you think. All of us have, to some degree, been programmed. For good or ill. But I think an essential requirement of humanity is obtaining wisdom, questioning the information that comes your way. Or, in a word, analysis. Otherwise, we're just monkeys that talk.

And if you call me a monkey, we beefin'.

Ultra Douche

God bless the screw-ups at Wal-Mart Canada, and God bless the bloggers at Best Week Ever for reporting on it.





This is indeed a glorious day in Douchedom. We will celebrate with a bottle of Heineken and a shallow bath in Axe body spray.

The bad news is, the website didn't put a ring on it and the listing has since been corrected. But if their previous mix-up with the "feminine spray" is any indication, the Walmart Canada site may in fact be the most interesting thing on the web. Those damn foreigners are always one step ahead, aren't they?

One for the Ladies

Usher is preparing a tour for ladies only.

The R&B singer revealed in a recent interview with The Associated Press that he will soon announce details of his "One Night Stand" tour. He said specific dates are still being worked out for about 15 "intimate" venues.

To go with the theme, Usher is also planning his own line of lingerie and men's undergarments.

...I can't go there with Usher right now; it's 9am.

The Douche-o-lympics

Oh really, Spain? You don't see how having your Olympic basketball team pull their eyes back to look "more Chinese" while standing on top of a giant dragon could be racist? You meant that to be "respectful"? You don't say.



I quit this bitch.

Obvious Douchebag Watchlist

Now that he's recovered from surgery following a major car accident with a "female family friend," Morgan Freeman has confirmed that he and his wife of 20+ years are getting a divorce.



...mmmhmm

Having the jaws of life drag your ass out of the wreckage should been enough of a sign that God don't like ugly, Mr. Freeman. I'm just saying.

Look, all the details aren't out yet, but if it walks like a douchebag and talks like a douchebag; well, you know the rest. So I'm putting Morgan Freeman on notice. I don't give a hot damn how cute those penguins were.

FU

I guess the answer to "now what?" is "throw myself out a fucking window."

My hatred for Maroon 5 is deep and long-standing, and I still haven't forgiven Counting Crows for desecrating "Big Yellow Taxi" with that no-talent Vanessa Carlton. I would rather eat hair than watch Douchefest '08 broadcast over my interwebs. Next.

I Do Not Like Them, Sam I Am

Return to sender, please and thank you.



If you thought for a second that Fonzworth fuckin' Bentley could rap, then the joke's on you. I would say watching this video was a complete waste of my time, but at least I got my weekly dosage of tang in a convenient 4-minute supplement.

Sit Down and Shut Up

The long-haired Monchichi is taking credit for government legislation. No, I'm not kidding.

The MySpace slut-turned-reality TV star --- just typing that makes me want to renounce my citizenship --- is touting her show as a cause for California's recent decision to remove the ban on gay marriage.

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement," she told Usmagazine.com at the Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru on Wednesday.

"Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal." (US Magazine)

Order my steps in your word, dear Lord 'cause this trick is about one step away from a bouquet beatdown (if you haven't seen the Sex and the City movie yet, quit fronting and get to the multiplex) if I ever see her out in the street.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

Fox News had the NERVE to refer to Michelle Obama as Barack's "baby mama." I don't know if that's more disrespectful on racial or sexual lines, but regardless I'm calling out the whole network as obvious douchebags. But this is nothing you didn't already know.

Hogan Knows NOTHING

Since splitting up with Hulk, Linda Hogan has started dating 19-year-old Charley Hill -- a former schoolmate of Linda's children Brooke and Nick.

First off, are the Hogans part of the Aryan Nation or what? I can't.

Second, let's take a quick tally of the Hogans' current activities. Linda is dating someone not only young enough to be her child, but who actually LOOKS like one of her children, Nick is in jail, and Hulk is . . . well, Hulk. That leaves this child as the only possible source of sanity in the family:



Whatever, as long as none of them run for president or anything.

You Remind Me of a Douche That I Once Knew

This master teacher here . . .

May 27, 2008
Uploaded by 2008co2008

In case you haven't already seen it, Usher was in full-tilt "Diva" mode on TRL this week: evading questions, ranting into the commercial time, wearing his shades the whole time. Whatever, Ms. Ross.

Damien Fahey was a saint for letting this cunty behavior go unchecked. I would've been like go find Sway 'cause I'm not the one.

Go Team Charlie

Let's establish a few facts up front:

1) I sometimes watch The View. Something about a morbid curiosity about what mindblowingly ignorant/stupid thing Hasslebeck/Sheppard will say next and just how extreme Whoopi's side-facial will be in response.

2) Denise Richards is a colossal douchebag. The commercials for her new reality show make me half-ill as it is (as the Fug Girls pointed out, dragging your kids through a public, mudslinging divorce and then shacking up with your friend's husband before either of you are legally single is a lot of things, but "Complicated" is not one of them). But the NERVE to say having her kids on television is for the sake of their privacy?? that it was her mother's dying wish?? Bitch, please.



3) I watch Two and a Half Men.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

The shirt ripping. The tribal tattoos. The removal of the last E from the pronunciation of "coyote" . . .

My friends, I do believe we have ourselves a douchebag.



I've never watched The Bachelorette and I don't intend to start now. But I'll bet it's a regular Douchefest '08 if this guy was just the first to be eliminated. Go home, Roger.

My People, Hold On

As FRESH already pointed out, these two seriously act like they let a little lover's spat follow them to work that morning.

I SMH at this whole clip. If that woman didn't get her walking papers during that recess, there is no hope for us as a people. I don't know if that's logical, but it feels about right.

(Sidebar: am I the only one who thinks broham looks like UNCLE PHIL?)

What a Twist

ICYMI - Inside Edition Reporter Get Girls Gone Wild Videos to His Home

Draw your own conclusions.

Kanye West vs. Jonah Hill

Connect 4 - Jonah Hill vs. Kanye from kwest on Vimeo

Right around the 2:30 mark, the video goes from awkward to full-on nigga, please. Classic Kanye, really.