Fighting Douchebags with Douchebags

MTV has an important message for our nation's youth: violence only begets more violence is the solution to all your problems!

MTV Shows

Am I the only one who remembers when cagefighting was something you had to order on pay-per-view/show ID to rent at Blockbuster? Well, grab the kids and pop some popcorn 'cause now it's primetime television (and an after-school activity if you live in Dallas)...

Bully Beatdown lets victims of bullying throw their tormentors into the ring against professional MMA fighters. Because giving sociopaths a taste of the pain they inflict on others is a GREAT idea, right?

*crickets*

Stay classy, America!

Douchebags on Ice

Barack Obama does not care about Tanya Harding...



...and who the fuck does?

This video is a whole bunch of "wtf?" wrapped up in some "bitch, please!" with a side of "oh, word?" But it does give me an excuse to throw this up:

Sometimes, It's a Little TOO Obvious...

I kicked around the idea of doing weekly recaps of Vh1's latest tragedy, Tool Academy. But I decided against it for 3 reasons...

1st (and foremost), someone at the Vh1 Blog already took care of it. That's even where I got the above screencap...

Which brings me to my 2nd reason: I have neither the screen-capture capabilities nor the photoshop/.gif-making skills to make it worth your time.

And 3rd--- I couldn't even get all the way through the first episode.

You see, kids, while my heart leapt at the idea of such obvious douchebags being brought low before the whole nation, the advertisements left out one key point: their girlfriends.

The whole premise is that each of these jackasses (miraculously) has a woman in his life, and she's signed him up for this reform school in hopes of making him a better person. What I didn't know going in is that the girls go through the process with them, attending couples therapy sessions and competing in the challenges.

Which is all well and good, until you see just how badly these guys treat their girlfriends. It's one thing to be an embarrassment at parties; it's altogether another to be abusive.

Some of the guys laugh about cheating on their girlfriends. Others brag about how they "run" or have "trained" their lovers. One guy is actually unemployed and living off his girlfriend's child support checks... *Danny Thomas spit take*

All this begs the question: why Tool Academy, ladies? Why not, you know, A BREAKUP? No manners. No romance. No money. And I simply cannot believe any of these guys are beating it like a cop (no Lil' Wayne). Sounds like an exit cue to me.

The guys may be tools, but the girls are morons. And tool + moron = a painful viewing experience. I only got about 10 minutes in before I went and started playing my piano.

So, as much as I thought this show might be my destiny, I'm going to have to part ways with it early. Too bad I can't give these sad little girls the same advice.

The Douchebag News

MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski was apparently given an award for being one of the most powerful women in New York. The following is how her co-workers responded:

ICYMI: Mika Brzezinski Hates Her Co-Hosts @ Yahoo! Video

Aww, silly girl, she thinks she's people.

Douchebag Double-Talk

Kells has obviously been honing his rhetorical skills with the McCain/Palin campaign...



The look on Toure's face when R. Kelly asks, "When you say teenaged, how old are we talking?" = priceless

Like he wanted to respond with, "Oh sure, no problem, one big bowl of Nigga Please coming right up!"

Douchebag Hero

How high was he??

Lil' Wayne on SNL: Worst Guitar Solo Ever? @ Yahoo! Video

You know, this is probably what Oasis was afraid of...

Video Douchebag Awards

I don't even have the stamina to discuss the tragedy that was last night's VMAs. (Why was Pink orange? Why did that dude from Tokio Hotel look so much like Bjork circa the Vespertine tour? How did promise rings become such a hot topic? Why did they bleep the word venereal in "A Milli"? Why was Christina Aguilera/Demi Moore/Kobe Bryant/Kid Rock/Slipknot even there?)

The highlight of the night was far-and-away Kanye's closing number. And even that seemed like a financial-aid version of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony. I'm too through.

Donny Deutschbag

If ever in my life I wanted to punch someone in the face...



Look, it's safe to say I don't like Sarah Palin. It's actually safe to say she makes me kinda violent. Whatever, she doesn't live in my apartment complex, so we're cool.

But for Donny Deutsch to say Palin "is the new feminist ideal" because she "put on a skirt" and because "women want to be her, men want to mate with her" (mate with?? --- rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham) is the single most insulting thing I've heard in I don't know how long. And I've seen every episode of I Love New York ever made.

As My Race Gently Weeps

Billboard.com reports:

Hip-hop entrepreneur Percy Miller, a.k.a. Master P, is launching a family-friendly cable network, Better Black Television.

The network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture," according to a company statement.

Positive content such as this?



Fool me once, Master P...

The Douche-o-lympics

Oh really, Spain? You don't see how having your Olympic basketball team pull their eyes back to look "more Chinese" while standing on top of a giant dragon could be racist? You meant that to be "respectful"? You don't say.



I quit this bitch.

Lil' Coop Is GANGSTA

So you've probably already heard about your (and my) boyfriend Anderson Cooper talkin' shit on Living Lohan while he was filling in for Regis on Regis & Kelly. Then Dina Lohan made a statement to OK! Magazine in response, saying it was "bad karma" for Anderson to be so "cruel."

What, you thought he was going to apologize? Ol' Silver Fox keeps it too real. Check the video.

So now, Ali's father Michael Lohan has stepped in saying:

I think Anderson Cooper is an opinionated, hypocritical idiot who should be an adult and keep his opinion to himself. He is the last person to judge anyone, when he and his own family have their own issues.

He obviously doesn't know how deep AC rolls. I could round up at least 30 girls and gays to ride on his ass TONIGHT. Watch yourself, Lohan.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

Fox News had the NERVE to refer to Michelle Obama as Barack's "baby mama." I don't know if that's more disrespectful on racial or sexual lines, but regardless I'm calling out the whole network as obvious douchebags. But this is nothing you didn't already know.

The 2008 MTV Movie Awards: My Thoughts

Watching this year's MTV Movie Awards, these are the things I'm learning:



*Only 2 awards in, and I'm already sick of presenters repping their new flicks

*You, apparently, can't smoke weed on live television.

*I used to have no opinion of Coldplay, then I grew to like them when "Trouble" came out, I started to dislike them around "The Scientist," and now I'm pretty sure I can't stand them. Also, Chris Martin has no stage presence.

*The major food groups are "sugar, nutter, and butter." Love it.

*Jennifer Hudson is a real bombshell when she doesn't let Andre Leon Talley dress her. And Sarah Jessica Parker is incredibly short.

*Will Smith's kids don't ever seem to age.

*Wayne's World was a long. ass. time. ago.

*Strangely, Get Smart may have the hottest cast of this year's summer movies.

*Rhianna and Chris Brown are not entertained. (Seriously, why the long faces, guys?)

*These damn skits are altogether too long.

*Tom Cruise presented Adam Sandler with a lifetime achievement award. Fuck you too, MTV. (Soon after, I learned that I will not watch Adam Sandler's musical tribute to himself, and that El Sexto Día is on Telemundo.)

*Tila Tequila looks like a long-haired Monchichi. Think about it.

*For real, though, did Rihanna just find out she's pregnant or something? She hasn't cracked so much as a grin this whole time, unless it was while I was in the kitchen filling up a bowl with Sweet & Spicy Doritos. Regardless, if she is preggers, remember you heard it here first!!

*What the hell song are the Pussycat Dolls performing? Didn't that one bitch go solo? Are they still even a group? (edit: I guess she didn't go solo, probably 'cause her last name is so hard to say.)

*I really wish Angelina Joile would star in a halfway-watchable movie again.

*JABBAWOCKEEZ!!!

*There is someone in this world who can say "Step Up 2 the Streets" with a straight face. Kudos, Meagan Fox.

*Robert Downey Jr. is "probably high as fuck right now." (credit: my friend Raina over AIM)

*Wow, the show is actually ending with Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music." I bet the bitch is still sitting there with yuckface.

You Remind Me of a Douche That I Once Knew

This master teacher here . . .

May 27, 2008
Uploaded by 2008co2008

In case you haven't already seen it, Usher was in full-tilt "Diva" mode on TRL this week: evading questions, ranting into the commercial time, wearing his shades the whole time. Whatever, Ms. Ross.

Damien Fahey was a saint for letting this cunty behavior go unchecked. I would've been like go find Sway 'cause I'm not the one.

I'm Not Drunk Enough for This Mess

Never have I been happier that my cable provider doesn't include a channel in my service package.



I just saw this commercial and my soul immediately begged to be rocked in the bosom of Abraham. Or Anderson Cooper, whoever you can get.

Lindsay, Come Get Your Mom

I realized on Wednesday that I missed E!'s new "Heifer Said WHAT?" Hour Sunday night.

I was watching the news in my hotel room and they were discussing a scene on the Living Lohan premiere where Dina watches an alleged Lindsay sex tape online. Her other, younger daughter Ali comes into the room and as opposed to, you know, stopping the footage or closing the window, mother and daughter/sister watch the clip TOGETHER.



You're kidding with this shit, right?

Allow me to just remind anyone who may have forgotten that Ali is 14. Isn't it some sort of illegal to watch porn with a minor? If not, I'm pretty sure it should be. Jesus be a child services representative.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

The shirt ripping. The tribal tattoos. The removal of the last E from the pronunciation of "coyote" . . .

My friends, I do believe we have ourselves a douchebag.



I've never watched The Bachelorette and I don't intend to start now. But I'll bet it's a regular Douchefest '08 if this guy was just the first to be eliminated. Go home, Roger.

Slim Fast?

If you didn't know, America's Next Top Model named Whitney its first plus-sized winner last night. Then this happened:



There seem to be two popular theories about these pics, which surfaced on ONTD yesterday . . .

The first is that these are pre-show pics and Whitney was handpicked by the powers that be at ANTM to gain the weight and take the prize because they felt it was time to just go ahead and let a big girl have it. This would, of course, fly in the face of all of Whitney's "we shall overcome" motivational speeches throughout the season about always being big and wanting to prove it's beautiful.

The second is that these could actually be post-show pics, and despite being good enough to take home the Tyra-plated gold medal at ANTM, the reality of modeling is big girls don't get paid. So maybe she lost the weight for the sake of her career.

Either way, we all know Toccara and her "full-grown dogs" would've taken that title if she could've reigned in the ovah-ass tendencies for a minute.

Is It THAT Serious?

Earlier in the episode, I shit you not, this same guy was complaining about being chosen "Most Dramatic" for the yearbook superlatives.



Now, I don't watch The Paper, so there may be some subtleties in this clip I'm not grasping. But I can tell you one thing: little boy is cuntier before 21 than most people are their entire lives.

Doing Too Damn Much

(not even with another man's dick)

Hulk Hogan is getting another TV show. If you're counting, that brings the grand total to 3 (I'm counting Hogan Knows Best 'cause VH1 still re-runs that mess like it just came out).

What year is it?? Nobody's had HULKAMANIA since the Orioles won the pennant. Yeah, you didn't see that shit coming. Thanks, Wikipedia.