A Douchestorm Is Approaching!

Suck on it, NOM. . .

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Suck on it twice, Mormons.

Douchebags for Marriage

The only storm that's gathering is the HUGE cloud of Massengil this ad is generating...

Fighting Douchebags with Douchebags

MTV has an important message for our nation's youth: violence only begets more violence is the solution to all your problems!

MTV Shows

Am I the only one who remembers when cagefighting was something you had to order on pay-per-view/show ID to rent at Blockbuster? Well, grab the kids and pop some popcorn 'cause now it's primetime television (and an after-school activity if you live in Dallas)...

Bully Beatdown lets victims of bullying throw their tormentors into the ring against professional MMA fighters. Because giving sociopaths a taste of the pain they inflict on others is a GREAT idea, right?

*crickets*

Stay classy, America!

Yes We Douche!

It was announced today that the female version of a hustla' of a of a hustla' will be singing for the Obama's first inaugural dance. The question now is what song will she perform.

Anyone with even a passing knowledge of the great American songbook knows there's only one clear choice...



The mental image you now have of Barack and Michelle patting their weaves and snapping for the kids... you're welcome.

God Douche the U.S.A.

I don't care who's singing it...

God Bless the U.S.A. (Proud to Be an American) - Beyoncé

I hate this fucking song.

Mike Huckadouche

It's no secret that I think Mike Huckabee is full-tilt dumbass...

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Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

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...but wow. There's a difference between burning someone at the stake and marrying someone of the same sex: namely that one is murder and the other is not.

Props to Jon Stewart for dismantling Huckabee's argument in such a calm manner 'cause Lord knows that kind of ignorance tends to foam my mouth.

If I can get personal for a second (which obviously I can 'cause who's going to stop me?), I grew up surrounded by people who thought like Huckabee, and many of them still do. And it scares me because, as Huckabee himself points out, these people are training the next generation. I can't tell you how many times I heard the "being black is genetic, being gay is a choice" argument. But I can tell you that I started hearing it before I was even 12. By the time I was in high school, the idea of a contrary idea was more than offensive, it was inconceivable. If I hadn't fallen in love with a guy when I was a teenager -- and subsequently been scared out of my wits -- I probably never would've even questioned my own thinking. And frankly, most people don't (because they don't see a reason to).

It's like that line in "The Healer"--- You don't have to believe everything you think. All of us have, to some degree, been programmed. For good or ill. But I think an essential requirement of humanity is obtaining wisdom, questioning the information that comes your way. Or, in a word, analysis. Otherwise, we're just monkeys that talk.

And if you call me a monkey, we beefin'.

The Douchebag News

MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski was apparently given an award for being one of the most powerful women in New York. The following is how her co-workers responded:

ICYMI: Mika Brzezinski Hates Her Co-Hosts @ Yahoo! Video

Aww, silly girl, she thinks she's people.

Donny Deutschbag

If ever in my life I wanted to punch someone in the face...



Look, it's safe to say I don't like Sarah Palin. It's actually safe to say she makes me kinda violent. Whatever, she doesn't live in my apartment complex, so we're cool.

But for Donny Deutsch to say Palin "is the new feminist ideal" because she "put on a skirt" and because "women want to be her, men want to mate with her" (mate with?? --- rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham) is the single most insulting thing I've heard in I don't know how long. And I've seen every episode of I Love New York ever made.

Do You Have Any Idea Who This Is?

Of course you don't.

But nonetheless, Daddy Yankee (that's right, the "Gasolina" dude) wants you to know he's voting for John McCain.



...motherfucker, AND??

Dame más singles and sit the hell down.

Paris Hilton for President

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

It had been how long since we'd heard from this bitch? And John McCain had to go and rile her up. Nice job, gramps.

Paris Hilton released a mock-campaign video spoofing McCain's recent ads that unfavorably compared Obama to Hilton and Britney Spears (despite the fact that Paris' mom had previously donated money to McCain's campaign).

It's all fun and games now, but remember this is the same nation of douchebags that elected both Schwarzenegger and Jesse "the Body" Ventura to public office. I can't.



I'll be straight up though, nothing would make me happier than seeing White House painted pink... And her energy plan is solid... And I was hoping for a woman in the White House next year...

Maybe I'll be voting this November after all.

And They Are Dead-Ass Serious

I had heard about this ad, but hadn't actually seen it till my friend Mike shot me the YouTube link tonight.

In case you were thinking this was a clever internet satire of modern American moral standards...*buzzer* WRONG. AshleyMadison (I will not link to that mess) is an actual website that hooks married people up with paramours, and this commercial really ran on television for awhile until it got pulled for, well, being slime.


Lord, I need thee every hour.

People that know me know I'm no great champion for the concept of marriage, but this is absurd. And how much did they have to pay poor Fat-Fat to play the "unfuckable broad" in this commercial? 'Cause that's all she will ever be known for now.

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Code Red

Is he out of his fuckin mind??

If you haven't heard, Toby Keith's new movie (damn this recession!) and single, both titled "Beer for My Horses," actually advocate lynching. That's right: lynching.

Grandpappy told my pappy, back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street for all the people to see

...Back up the damn bus. How did we get here?


I guess free speech is free speech, but I'm actually more than a little disappointed Stephen Colbert let him perform this mess on his show.

Beyond that, I imagine Mr. Keith's tour won't be making any stops in Compton or Bed-Stuy so he may not have much to worry about. You and I on the other hand need to be on full Douchebag Alert. The disease is highly contagious and may have already affected someone you know and love.

Enough Already!

After George Bush III John McCain's epic failure to explain why Viagra is covered by health insurance and birth control is not, Jack Cafferty's subsequent statement that floppy dicks are a "medical condition" while birth control is a "lifestyle choice," and the leaked memo from the White House that proposes classifying birth control as abortion . . . I just have one question:

What's so scary about a woman making decisions for her own reproductive organs?

You don't see women protesting pills that keep old-ass men serving up their $5 footlongs WELL after they've gone stale. (Though seriously, ladies, you should start.)



And let me just say if taking an oral contraceptive is an abortion, so is blowing your wad in a Kleenex Ultra-Soft. Next.

You Saw It Coming, Right?

I remember one of my friends describing the American legal system as "guilty until proven rich" when we were in high school. In other news . . .



R. Kelly was acquitted on all counts of child pornography today.

Honest to God, I would've put my money on his getting off if I were a gambling man. But regardless, I'm just sad the trail is over. How am I supposed to breathe with no air, Chicago? I'm sure the lawyers could've drawn this out longer if they'd really tried. I was hoping this drama would at least me carry me through the 4th of July.

What you got, Phil Spector?

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

Fox News had the NERVE to refer to Michelle Obama as Barack's "baby mama." I don't know if that's more disrespectful on racial or sexual lines, but regardless I'm calling out the whole network as obvious douchebags. But this is nothing you didn't already know.

"Feminism" vs. Humanism

So, for something a bit more serious . . .

Recently, Linda Hirshman wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Post's website about how the current generation of feminists has been tricked into backing causes like racial equality and anti-war protest to the detriment of the Women's Rights movement.

Moe, a columnist from one of my current-favorite websites Jezebel.com, wrote a rebuttal arguing that humanism needn't be at odds with feminism because only defending the rights of your personal demographic is myopic and dangerous.



I have long been a self-identified feminist; and I won't lie, a lot of it stems from my early-in-life hatred of men (I am, for the record, male if that means anything). But I'm an adult now, and I hope it is never said that my belief in equality is limited ONLY to women. I am an "-ist" for whatever group is being deprived their dignity as a human being. Even straight white guys need someone on their side sometimes . . . maybe not in the White House; but life isn't always about Capitol Hill, is it?

I think Moe's piece is well-written and worth a read, and this quote in particular got me right in my heart-region:

. . . We care about people. It's what we do! And if the popularization of neuroscience and terms like "emotional intelligence" -- coupled with the past eight years of Enron and Spitzer and Mission Accomplished -- has endowed my generation with anything, it's the confidence that our empathy is rational; that the way we are is on the side of reason.

Scene Stealer

Phil Spector is going to back to court for Round 2 of his murder trial. The last affair ended in a mistrial, and the prosecution is re-opening the case this September.


Nice try, Phil, but R. Kelly already has my Season Pass locked up trunk-tight. Murder just can't compare to statutory golden showers. Come harder.

My People, Hold On

As FRESH already pointed out, these two seriously act like they let a little lover's spat follow them to work that morning.

I SMH at this whole clip. If that woman didn't get her walking papers during that recess, there is no hope for us as a people. I don't know if that's logical, but it feels about right.

(Sidebar: am I the only one who thinks broham looks like UNCLE PHIL?)

I Can't and I Won't

Can we just eliminate the office of the President?

It's not enough the candidates have appeared on such national-embarassments as The Tyra Banks Show and American Idol, now we can add WWE Monday Night Raw to the list. George W. Bush wouldn't even go on that shit. (Although he did send a shout out to Deal or No Deal. I am too through.)

I'm so sick of this idea that the leader of this country should be just another average-joe middle-American C student. IT'S THE LEADER OF THE COUNTRY. Please at least stick with The Oprah Show.

I'm gonna pull a Kenny the Page on election day and vote for Jesus on the write-in.

Douchebags Are a Threat to National Security

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Here's some ignorance.