Friday, March 27, 2009

The Lonely Douchebag

If there were words to articulate just how much I hate this song, I'm sure they'd be too vulgar to print...

Day N Nite - KiD CuDi

I never thought I'd think, "Man, this could really use some auto-tune," but Kid Cudi proved me wrong. I'd rather he sound like a robot (read: everyone else in hip-hop right now) than a valium addict. Next!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I See A Douche In Your Future

Miss Cleo announces that she is a Lesbian; failed to see that nobody would care.

Easy now.

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Tammy Bruce

This anonymous bitch right here...

Funny she's SO confounded by the idea of "talking like a white person," but she can pick up on a "black" accent like that... Heifer, please!

Thanks (and I use the term loosely) to Raina for sending this our way. We consider Tammy Bruce's level of douchebaggery to be severe and highly contagious. Prolonged exposure could lead poorly feigned indignation and delusions of relevance. ("David After Dentist"? Really?)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fighting Douchebags with Douchebags

MTV has an important message for our nation's youth: violence only begets more violence is the solution to all your problems!

Am I the only one who remembers when cagefighting was something you had to order on pay-per-view/show ID to rent at Blockbuster? Well, grab the kids and pop some popcorn 'cause now it's primetime television (and an after-school activity if you live in Dallas)...

Bully Beatdown lets victims of bullying throw their tormentors into the ring against professional MMA fighters. Because giving sociopaths a taste of the pain they inflict on others is a GREAT idea, right?


Stay classy, America!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

808s and Douchebags

Riddle me this, Batman...

Was Kanye West on American Idol specifically to show the kids you don't need vocal skill to be a chart-topping singer? 'Cause Britney Spears covered that shit about 10 years ago.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Smoking Douchies

I once called someone "triflin'" and they didn't know what I meant...

Raina, I should sue you for bringing this into my life. I'm pressin' charges!

It's all cute and funny now, but I promise you he'll be back on YouTube in 5 years teaching you how to smoke crack out of a coke can. What then, people, what then?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Code OMFG!!!

You already know...

In case you missed it, Chris Brown was charged with 2 felonies related to Rihanna's assault on Grammy night.

According to L.A. Police Detective DeShon Andrews statement:

A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.

And that was just the warm-up... I'm a bit squeamish, so if you want to read the rest, you'll need to click here.

Everybody and their mother's auntie's neighbor has been screaming their opinion on this mess the past few weeks. But seeing as Mr. Lovey Dovey Kiss Kiss hasn't ponied up any bruises and bite marks of his own, I think they need to put that little bastard in jail, end of.

But like they say, every dark cloud has a silver lining. And I think the one good thing to come out of all this mess is the fact that I no longer think Chris Brown and Ne-Yo are the same person.

The Douche Dress

I swear on everything, I was watching America's Next Top Model last night (I'm pro-Aminat, btw), looked at myself on the couch under a blanket, and thought "It'd be kind of a cool avant-garde, entirely impratical, couture-y thing if someone made a dress like this." I'm paraphrasing.

Regardless, it looks like your grandma has been busy lately: guess what I just saw on Jezebel...

First off, I'd just like to say $349?? HELL, NAH! Secondly, so there's no confusion, my blanket isn't nearly that tacky. And, finally, who do I need to contact to receive my royalty checks?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Douchebags on Ice

Barack Obama does not care about Tanya Harding...

...and who the fuck does?

This video is a whole bunch of "wtf?" wrapped up in some "bitch, please!" with a side of "oh, word?" But it does give me an excuse to throw this up:

A Woman a Douche Walked By

I've been waiting for someone to leak this for days now...

I'm not a fairweather fan or anything, I just didn't want to drop the money on the single when I'm already going to buy the album when it comes out. That's fair, right?

I dig the song, but it sounds to me more like her collaboration with Josh Homme on Desert Sessions 9 & 10 than her last album with John Parish. Curiouser and curiouser... Maybe this is a sign I should give up my hopes for "City of No Sun pt. 2." I'll bet my Freshman-year roommate doesn't miss that song. Which is cool; I don't miss him.

Regardless, A Woman A Man Walked By comes out March 31. In related news, don't fucking bother me on March 31.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Extended Doucheout for AIG

Remember last year when we (taxpayers) bought an 80% stake in AIG to the tune of a $150B bailout? They just posted a $61.7B loss. FOR THE QUARTER. And you thought subprime mortgages were a bad investment

But that's ok AIG. Here's another THIRTY BILLION DOLLARS. You're welcome.

This country is being shot out of a cannon right into a brick wall. The most lucrative investment available as of this post is the 6-pack of Chicken McNuggets extra value meal.

Douchey Playground

Lace up your Doc Martens, kids, it's the mid-90s all over again. And I'm not just talking about the Dow...

Remember those guys? Of course you don't. Regardless, Marcy Playground is releasing a new album. "Leaving Wonderland in a Fit of Rage" is due out in June.

Good luck getting "Sex and Candy" out of your head.