Monday, June 30, 2008

Wedding Bells

Z-list celebrities are tying the knot like it's going out of style. Hey, whatever it takes to stay relevant these days . . .

KFC American Idol-winner Ruben Staddard married Surata Zuri McCants in his hometown of Birmingham, Alabama. All I have to say is I hope homegirl is a "top," or this will probably be your first and last glimpse of her. Call me mean if you want to, but I still haven't forgiven him for Sorry 2004. And I never will.

Over in Yosemite Valley, California, SNL-alum Chris Kattan jumped the broom with some model I've never heard of. I guess you can have the Mango, after all.

I wasn't gonna talk shit about them, but the chick's name is Sunshine Tutt. Surata McCants, and neither can I.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

"Bring Him Home"

I'm snapping in a circle 3 times for all the kids about to storm the White House so Dubya will bring this boy back to the homeland. The revolution will be FIERCE.

Now go take some Tylenol for your fever.

(An aside: does anyone know what musical that title is from? I remember a cringeworthy performance of it in my high school auditorium, but I don't remember the rest of the show.)

Monday, June 23, 2008

Shift in Transmission

For those who read this and somehow don't already know, I recently accepted a job offer and had to relocate. Thus, any sort of local happenings I cover probably won't pertain to the A-town. Don't get me wrong, I still love my hometown and if Soulja Girl gets up to anymore fuckery, I definitely want to know about it. But it's really about time I started trying to make some bank. Wish me well.

Baltimore, this is your last chance.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Kanye's Done It Again

Bonnaroo attendees were, apparently, not honored by his lateness.

After showing up over 90min late, the Louis Vuitton Don was booed by angry fans. Pearl Jam ended their set an hour late and then there was difficulty setting up Kanye's glow-in-the-dark backdrop, causing the delay.

I think this is a classic "boy who cried wolf" situation: if Kanye hadn't pitched so many diva fits over the past few years, people may have been more patient. The crowd probably thought he was backstage having peeled grapes fed to him by Tibetan eunuchs or some shit. That would've been my assumption.

What I love is that Robert Randolph (whom I adore) put Kanye on blast during his set on Sunday. Was that really necessary? Is this gonna be the millennial Biggie/Pac saga? It'll probably end in a walk-off rather than a drive-by though; so, I'm all for it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

You Saw It Coming, Right?

I remember one of my friends describing the American legal system as "guilty until proven rich" when we were in high school. In other news . . .

R. Kelly was acquitted on all counts of child pornography today.

Honest to God, I would've put my money on his getting off if I were a gambling man. But regardless, I'm just sad the trail is over. How am I supposed to breathe with no air, Chicago? I'm sure the lawyers could've drawn this out longer if they'd really tried. I was hoping this drama would at least me carry me through the 4th of July.

What you got, Phil Spector?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Sit Down and Shut Up

The long-haired Monchichi is taking credit for government legislation. No, I'm not kidding.

The MySpace slut-turned-reality TV star --- just typing that makes me want to renounce my citizenship --- is touting her show as a cause for California's recent decision to remove the ban on gay marriage.

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement," she told at the Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru on Wednesday.

"Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal." (US Magazine)

Order my steps in your word, dear Lord 'cause this trick is about one step away from a bouquet beatdown (if you haven't seen the Sex and the City movie yet, quit fronting and get to the multiplex) if I ever see her out in the street.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

Fox News had the NERVE to refer to Michelle Obama as Barack's "baby mama." I don't know if that's more disrespectful on racial or sexual lines, but regardless I'm calling out the whole network as obvious douchebags. But this is nothing you didn't already know.

What Can I Say About Amy Winehouse?

. . . not a damn thing.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"Feminism" vs. Humanism

So, for something a bit more serious . . .

Recently, Linda Hirshman wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Post's website about how the current generation of feminists has been tricked into backing causes like racial equality and anti-war protest to the detriment of the Women's Rights movement.

Moe, a columnist from one of my current-favorite websites, wrote a rebuttal arguing that humanism needn't be at odds with feminism because only defending the rights of your personal demographic is myopic and dangerous.

I have long been a self-identified feminist; and I won't lie, a lot of it stems from my early-in-life hatred of men (I am, for the record, male if that means anything). But I'm an adult now, and I hope it is never said that my belief in equality is limited ONLY to women. I am an "-ist" for whatever group is being deprived their dignity as a human being. Even straight white guys need someone on their side sometimes . . . maybe not in the White House; but life isn't always about Capitol Hill, is it?

I think Moe's piece is well-written and worth a read, and this quote in particular got me right in my heart-region:

. . . We care about people. It's what we do! And if the popularization of neuroscience and terms like "emotional intelligence" -- coupled with the past eight years of Enron and Spitzer and Mission Accomplished -- has endowed my generation with anything, it's the confidence that our empathy is rational; that the way we are is on the side of reason.

Hogan Knows NOTHING

Since splitting up with Hulk, Linda Hogan has started dating 19-year-old Charley Hill -- a former schoolmate of Linda's children Brooke and Nick.

First off, are the Hogans part of the Aryan Nation or what? I can't.

Second, let's take a quick tally of the Hogans' current activities. Linda is dating someone not only young enough to be her child, but who actually LOOKS like one of her children, Nick is in jail, and Hulk is . . . well, Hulk. That leaves this child as the only possible source of sanity in the family:

Whatever, as long as none of them run for president or anything.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

It's Almost Over

The defense rested yesterday in the R. Kelly kiddie-porn trial. It's all downhill from here: prosecution is set to rebut today, and closing arguments are scheduled to start on Thursday.

I'm sad to see it come to an end, but its been a good run. I hope someone's locked up the movie rights, this is Oscar-worthy material right here.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Douchebag Dorks

My partner-in-crime Steve sent me this link over AIM. How am I supposed to breathe with no air, sir?

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

If you've never shared a living space with a Warcraft-addict, I'm gonna need you to take a knee and thank whatever deity you pray to. The only time they get up is to eat your snacks while you're out of town. Real talk.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Ladies, Looka Here

There is a problem that we obviously need to discuss . . .

I don't care how many singers/actresses/supermodels rock them on the red carpet, if I ever see any woman I know in a formal jumpsuit, she's getting a banana cream pie right in the grill. You have been warned.

And I can't even talk about Andre Leon Talley right now. Lord knows I don't have any problem feminine men, but Swedish Chef/Ninja Turtle with a peep-toe is not a good look. God give me strength.

A Scoop of Chili-Cheese Advice

I don't know if I love these sketches so much because it's a spot-on Orman impression (seriously) or because she reminds me so much of my high school math teacher, Mrs. Martin.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

American Apparel is being sued by a woman who claims masturbation was not part of the job requirement.

Jeneleen Floyd claims she worked for the company in the product placement department since 2005. She says Dov Charney, the C.E.O., was your basic monster boss. ln the lawsuit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, Floyd claims last March, Charney went nuts on her, doing this and that. She says it got out of control when he "made several references to an interview he had conducted with Jane magazine wherein he had received oral sex from an employee during the course of the interview and the reporter had engaged in masturbation." The suit continues, "Defendant Charney sat down and ordered Plaintiff to 'pretend to masturbate.'" (credit: TMZ)

And the clothes are TACKY too.

C'mon and Braid My Hair

The prosecution in the R. Kelly trial rested their case on Monday after examining Lisa Van Allen. Van Allen alleges she had multiple threesomes with R. Kelly and the girl in the tape, though she isn't in the tape herself. She also stated that Kelly is "obsessed with videotaping his sexual exploits, testifying that he even carried around a duffel bag with his homemade sex tapes in it."

But my heart grew wings and flew away when I read this:

Van Allen said she first met Kelly at the making of a music video in Georgia about 10 years ago. She later appeared in several Kelly music videos, including one for the song "I Wish," in which she braids the singer's hair.

I had a roommate who'd never heard "I Wish" before, and thus didn't know why I always wet my pants laughing at the end of "Piss on You." So make sure you scroll ahead to about the 5:33 mark.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

The 2008 MTV Movie Awards: My Thoughts

Watching this year's MTV Movie Awards, these are the things I'm learning:

*Only 2 awards in, and I'm already sick of presenters repping their new flicks

*You, apparently, can't smoke weed on live television.

*I used to have no opinion of Coldplay, then I grew to like them when "Trouble" came out, I started to dislike them around "The Scientist," and now I'm pretty sure I can't stand them. Also, Chris Martin has no stage presence.

*The major food groups are "sugar, nutter, and butter." Love it.

*Jennifer Hudson is a real bombshell when she doesn't let Andre Leon Talley dress her. And Sarah Jessica Parker is incredibly short.

*Will Smith's kids don't ever seem to age.

*Wayne's World was a long. ass. time. ago.

*Strangely, Get Smart may have the hottest cast of this year's summer movies.

*Rhianna and Chris Brown are not entertained. (Seriously, why the long faces, guys?)

*These damn skits are altogether too long.

*Tom Cruise presented Adam Sandler with a lifetime achievement award. Fuck you too, MTV. (Soon after, I learned that I will not watch Adam Sandler's musical tribute to himself, and that El Sexto Día is on Telemundo.)

*Tila Tequila looks like a long-haired Monchichi. Think about it.

*For real, though, did Rihanna just find out she's pregnant or something? She hasn't cracked so much as a grin this whole time, unless it was while I was in the kitchen filling up a bowl with Sweet & Spicy Doritos. Regardless, if she is preggers, remember you heard it here first!!

*What the hell song are the Pussycat Dolls performing? Didn't that one bitch go solo? Are they still even a group? (edit: I guess she didn't go solo, probably 'cause her last name is so hard to say.)

*I really wish Angelina Joile would star in a halfway-watchable movie again.


*There is someone in this world who can say "Step Up 2 the Streets" with a straight face. Kudos, Meagan Fox.

*Robert Downey Jr. is "probably high as fuck right now." (credit: my friend Raina over AIM)

*Wow, the show is actually ending with Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music." I bet the bitch is still sitting there with yuckface.