Wednesday, December 31, 2008

And a Happy Douche Year

Now this is change we can believe in...

According to Jezebel (and confirmed by my middling French comprehension skills) the text translates to "No women's bodies were exploited in this ad." And what better sentiment to close out 2008?

Hope everyone enjoys their NYE festivities! See you in '09.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Diva Is the Female Version of a Douchebag

I can't let this go by without comment...

Diva (Beyoncé Cover) - Ciara

I had such high hopes for Ciara after "Promise" but those high notes... darling, just sit down.

And I see we're just pretending "Go, Girl" didn't happen. I understand.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Seasons Douchings!

I'm about an hour from leaving for the airport. Christmas will be spent with the family and the GA friends. But as my parents are Betty and Barney Rubble, I will be without internets until Sunday. So in my absence, I've harnessed the power of YouTube to pass on some of my favorite Winter-time tunes.

Enjoy your holiday, and try not to be that drunk douchebag under the mistletoe at the party. You know who you are...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lord, Send a Revival!

If you combined the sights of the church I grew up in with the sounds that were going on in my head during most services, the result would be a little something like this...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Douche Two Ferns

I, personally, was devastated at the 1:21 mark...

Paul Blart: Douche Cop

This is the featured clip on YouTube today:

Just when you start to think "The only way this could possibly be worse is if 'Living on a Prayer' kicked in right about now"...

Monday, December 15, 2008

But Wait! There's More...

Okay, so this blog has taken a serious turn. I promise I'll get back to the bullshit sooner than later (if you truly need to be appalled in the interim, check out that Keyshia Cole/2pac collabo...), but this struck a nerve.

I remember being in college and one of my roommates making a comment about Carson from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" -- yes, I was in college when that show was on; I'm old, let's get past it -- something to the extent of "Does he have to be SO over-the-top about being gay?"

And in the moment I was really taken aback 'cause how do you answer that? Some guys are just really feminine. And some of them are even straight. But you know that's not going to satisfy the question.

So I tried to explain that this is what you have to do in the beginning; you have to put the stereotypes out for public consumption before they can handle the nuances of reality.

And, being black, I pulled from my history: there was a bit of a gap between Hattie McDaniel in Gone with the Wind and Sidney Poitier in In the Heat of the Night, wasn't there?

So it was interesting to me hearing Jon Stewart's response to the concept of a "Stater Negro." It is something that caused dissent in the black community. Look at what came next, the Blaxploitation films of the 70s. Look at how we responded to what we saw as a slight, that we were only acceptable so long as we were dressed up and eloquent, as long as we were, essentially, "white."

Why is it then that we would put the gay community through the same ringer?

I know the California stats. I know that even though a high percentage of blacks voted Yes, blacks don't make up a high percentage of the black population.

But I also know what it is to grow up in the black community. And we can hide behind numbers all we want, but the fact is homophobia is bred in us at such a young age we don't even process it.

When Larry said black men on the "down low" aren't trying to hide from their wives, they're trying to hide from other black men, I wanted to cry. There are so many layers of sadness in that statement, and all of them are true.

But it's the American way, isn't it? The only way you can rise up in this country is to step on someone else.

Ain't that about a bitch?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Mike Huckadouche

It's no secret that I think Mike Huckabee is full-tilt dumbass...

...but wow. There's a difference between burning someone at the stake and marrying someone of the same sex: namely that one is murder and the other is not.

Props to Jon Stewart for dismantling Huckabee's argument in such a calm manner 'cause Lord knows that kind of ignorance tends to foam my mouth.

If I can get personal for a second (which obviously I can 'cause who's going to stop me?), I grew up surrounded by people who thought like Huckabee, and many of them still do. And it scares me because, as Huckabee himself points out, these people are training the next generation. I can't tell you how many times I heard the "being black is genetic, being gay is a choice" argument. But I can tell you that I started hearing it before I was even 12. By the time I was in high school, the idea of a contrary idea was more than offensive, it was inconceivable. If I hadn't fallen in love with a guy when I was a teenager -- and subsequently been scared out of my wits -- I probably never would've even questioned my own thinking. And frankly, most people don't (because they don't see a reason to).

It's like that line in "The Healer"--- You don't have to believe everything you think. All of us have, to some degree, been programmed. For good or ill. But I think an essential requirement of humanity is obtaining wisdom, questioning the information that comes your way. Or, in a word, analysis. Otherwise, we're just monkeys that talk.

And if you call me a monkey, we beefin'.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Douche Me Baby One More Time

I'll say this, his mother was much more supportive than I could've been. If my child ever got that much water on my bathroom floor, I would back-slap the rotten brat till my hand got tired...

And the choreography was whack anyway. Step your game up, little dude.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I've Seen This Before...

Is it me, or does this...

Right Here (Departed) - Brandy

...take place in the same weird futurecitynetherworld as this?

(And, now that I think about it, this?)

En Vogue - too gone too long

It's the music video equivalent of the Taco Bell font, I guess.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Forgive me if this is saying too much...

O... Saya - M.I.A.

...but this song gets me wet. Carry on.

(recommendation: listen to it with headphones)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

We Need to Talk...

Tina, now you know I've always loved you, and I always will.

But... are doing absolutely too damn much.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Live from New York...

If you were as worried as I was that SNL would start sucking again now that Sarah Palin has been exiled returned home to Alaska, rest easy and breathe deep; everyone's favorite weekend sketch show crushed the competition. Literally.

That impression devastates me every time I watch it (and I've been watching it all day...yes, I have a job). The sound effect at the 0:53 mark--- priceless.

And then, in what I took as 3 giant snaps in a circular motion to the kids on YouTube, Paul Rudd, surprise guest Justin Timberlake, and Beyahweh herself spoofed the "Single Ladies" video to perfection...

"Dance biscuits" sent my soul to the Upper Room. I'm sure I'll see you there.

All gifts from Virgo aside, was this not the GAYEST episode in SNL history? There were no less than 5 sketches that involved dude-on-dude lovin' (and that's not even counting "the dancers" above). I guess we can chalk it up to Prop 8 one way or the other; some people thought the show was trying to parody the homo-panic that helped the proposition pass. But not everyone was feeling it.

I say as long as I laugh...but who the fuck am I? What's your take on the matter?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The No-Douche Zone

I'm not going to make any snarky comments about this. If you've got the time, please give it a view.

(If you really need a laugh, though, check this out. I'm always looking out for you. Fair warning: the third pic left me for dead...)

Sunday, October 26, 2008


There's a new Björk single out. And if it surprises you that this song is dominating my life, why are you even reading this?

It's a real shame "Náttúra" wasn't on Volta; the drums on this track are DEVASTATING. And it blows my mind that Björk's voice is still so powerful after all these years. Good lord, woman.

Best of all, this one's for charity, kids. All the proceeds from the single go to the Náttúra campaign to preserve Iceland's natural landscape. And if you know anything about Iceland's economic situation right now, you know they need all the help they can get.

Click here to hear a little sample of "Náttúra." And if you like what you hear, download it for $0.99 on iTunes; you know the drill.


And as an aside, this woman is in her 40s... Icelandic don't crack.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Obvious Douchebag Guide to Parenting

When I was little, I once got yelled at for doing my best Jessica Rabbit walk in public... but enough about me.

What I'm saying is I appreciate parents who don't shame their sons for being feminine---

But you could at least encourage them to be respectable young ladies and not the next generation of "those girls" at the club. God give me strength.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

And the Grammy Goes to...

You know he slaughtered the competition with that eyebrow jig at the end. Get into this.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Ultra Douche

God bless the screw-ups at Wal-Mart Canada, and God bless the bloggers at Best Week Ever for reporting on it.

This is indeed a glorious day in Douchedom. We will celebrate with a bottle of Heineken and a shallow bath in Axe body spray.

The bad news is, the website didn't put a ring on it and the listing has since been corrected. But if their previous mix-up with the "feminine spray" is any indication, the Walmart Canada site may in fact be the most interesting thing on the web. Those damn foreigners are always one step ahead, aren't they?

Monday, October 13, 2008

He Could Teach You, But He'd Have to Charge

Just like I love a woman who can help me put together my furniture, few things make me happier than a dude who will dip it, pop it, twerk it, stop it for all of YouTube to see.

That ghostly chill you just felt was his killing you hoes.

If I Were a Douche

The videos for Beyoncé's two new singles -- "If I Were a Boy" and "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" -- dropped today. Which just leaves me with one question...

...why is Baltimore radio still playing "Upgrade U" like that shit just came out? 92Q, you are on notice.

(in other news, good GOD she's pretty)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Thank You for Being a Douche

My day = made

Good night, everybody!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Joe Douchepack!

Drinking games, double-talk, QUEEN LATIFAH... I can find no fault.

Funny, her views on marriage sound an awful like my old Southern Baptist high school...

Of all the Palin parodies they've done thus far (and even as Sarah herself becomes more and more of a self-parody) this one is definitely the best, IMO.

And equal props for calling out Obama/Biden's complete hypocrisy on same-sex rights.

I honestly don't even want to vote this year.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Dynamic Douchebag Duo

I was driving up to get my oil changed yesterday when the announcer on the radio said, "Soulja Boy featuring Bow Wow: 'Marco Polo.'"

To which I replied (because I talk to myself in the car), "No part of that sounds appealing..."

Marco Polo - Bow Wow feat. Soulja Boy

...and no part of it is.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Douchebag News

MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski was apparently given an award for being one of the most powerful women in New York. The following is how her co-workers responded:

Aww, silly girl, she thinks she's people.

Notorious Douchebag

My only question, why is the chick that I'm presuming to be Lil' Kim so tall?


Okay, I had to get to the bottom of this mess. IMDB to the resuce.

First off, Naturi Naughton (the one in the right) is Lil' Kim. You might remember her from 3LW... **silence**

This is the woman playing Faith: Antonique Smith, apparently; Her only other film credit is "Hooker" in Across the Universe. Stop laughing, you know God don't like ugly.

Judging by the headshot, it's not a bad match visually speaking. But did she lose weight for the role or something, 'cause... why?

I thought maybe Charli Baltimore was gonna be in the picture, but upon watching the trailer again, I think it's just the broad playing Faith with different makeup on. Which, if you remember the Get Money video... So maybe they got the casting right after all.

And, honestly, the less I say about Angela Bassett as Voletta Wallace the better.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Whenever I Blog Real Good...


Can I just go ahead and pre-order the album? This song is so absurd I can hardly believe it even exists. "Mix it all together, it's a delicacy" ...I almost fell out of my damn chair.

Of course, if it doesn't end up making the final tracklist, all bets are off.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"Dull Flame of Desire" --Bjork and Antony Hegarty

You didn't think I missed this, did you?

Bjork and Antony performed in front of a green screen and then sent the raw footage to 3 amateur filmmakers. Each director's take on the footage was edited into one final piece.

In other news, it is INSANE that Bjork still looks that good in her 40s. What do they have in the water in Iceland?

Douchebag Double-Talk

Kells has obviously been honing his rhetorical skills with the McCain/Palin campaign...

The look on Toure's face when R. Kelly asks, "When you say teenaged, how old are we talking?" = priceless

Like he wanted to respond with, "Oh sure, no problem, one big bowl of Nigga Please coming right up!"

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Friday, September 12, 2008

Tic Toc (Rye Rye ft. M.I.A.)

This track dropped yesterday and has completely monopolized the last two hours of my life. Sorry I don't have a stream to put up here, but definitely go to the Mad Decent blog and check it out from the source.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Flashing Lights, Indeed

Looks like Kanye got arrested for cranking that Bjork on the paps at LAX.

If you're curious and don't mind briefly dealing with the antiChrist, you can see the video over at TMZ.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fashion Rocks; Cancer Sucks

Fashion Rocks was televised on CBS last night. If you don't know, it's basically a big concert/fashion show mashup that takes place every year and pays tribute to legendary musicians and designers.

I caught most of the show, and I will say it was pretty entertaining. It certainly kicked the crap out of the VMAs, but I've seen finger puppetry that kicked the crap out of this year's VMAs so...

The big surprise for me, though, was seeing all 3,000 women who took part in the Stand Up to Cancer charity single come onstage to perform the song "live." (Those quotation marks are for Mariah who, God love her, seemed to have no idea where she was the whole night... I blame Nick Cannon.)

Now, your guess is as good as mine why Beyoncé put that wig back on after the Etta James tribute was long over. But what I know for certain is once Miley Cyrus and Rihanna started trading bars, my soul went on home to glory.

Just keep telling yourself, "It's for a good cause. It's for a good cause."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Law and Order: Special Douchebag Unit

You don't want none.

This morning, my friend and co-worker Jen sent me what is probably the greatest news article ever written.

All these herbs and spices before 9:30AM? It's just too much.

And nothing could be more humiliating than some random guy slapping you in the face with an 8-inch sausage and then running away. (Ladies, am I right?)

Monday, September 8, 2008

Video Douchebag Awards

I don't even have the stamina to discuss the tragedy that was last night's VMAs. (Why was Pink orange? Why did that dude from Tokio Hotel look so much like Bjork circa the Vespertine tour? How did promise rings become such a hot topic? Why did they bleep the word venereal in "A Milli"? Why was Christina Aguilera/Demi Moore/Kobe Bryant/Kid Rock/Slipknot even there?)

The highlight of the night was far-and-away Kanye's closing number. And even that seemed like a financial-aid version of the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony. I'm too through.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Donny Deutschbag

If ever in my life I wanted to punch someone in the face...

Look, it's safe to say I don't like Sarah Palin. It's actually safe to say she makes me kinda violent. Whatever, she doesn't live in my apartment complex, so we're cool.

But for Donny Deutsch to say Palin "is the new feminist ideal" because she "put on a skirt" and because "women want to be her, men want to mate with her" (mate with?? --- rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham) is the single most insulting thing I've heard in I don't know how long. And I've seen every episode of I Love New York ever made.

Janice Dickinson's Douchebag Agency

I have a not-so-secret but difficult-to-defend love for Janice Dickinson...


When I saw this picture of her on Jezebel, I thought, "Wow, that's probably the best she's looked in awhOH MY GOD, THOSE VEINS ON HER LEG!!"

But still, her face looks not-so-botoxy at that angle, right?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

One for the Ladies

Usher is preparing a tour for ladies only.

The R&B singer revealed in a recent interview with The Associated Press that he will soon announce details of his "One Night Stand" tour. He said specific dates are still being worked out for about 15 "intimate" venues.

To go with the theme, Usher is also planning his own line of lingerie and men's undergarments.

...I can't go there with Usher right now; it's 9am.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

For All That "Broke Refugee" Talk...

...M.I.A. be getting PAID.

swagger like us - t.i. ft kanye west, jay-z & lil wayne

And while we're on the subject: I don't care how funny Pineapple Express was, those of us who bought Kala a year ago are dead sick of you and your people talking about "Paper Planes" like that shit just came out. You've been notified.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Do You Have Any Idea Who This Is?

Of course you don't.

But nonetheless, Daddy Yankee (that's right, the "Gasolina" dude) wants you to know he's voting for John McCain.

...motherfucker, AND??

Dame más singles and sit the hell down.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Eat Me

What in the hell?

Full disclosure: I've never read any Palahniuk. Hell, I've never even seen Fight Club. But my Douchey-Sense is tingling away with that promo image. Maybe because it reminds me so much of this.

I'm gonna set the Obvious Douchebag Terror Watch for Choke to a "Code Orange": there will probably be at least 5 guys in Affliction t-shirts in the theater with you if you go see this movie. Excercise moderate caution.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

You Took It Too Far

It's been a minute since we had a big, dramatic charity single, hasn't it?

What would it sound like if 15 of the hottest female singers joined voices? The answer will be revealed Sept. 2. That's when "Just Stand Up" hits airwaves and iTunes. The song features Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Fergie, Sheryl Crow and Miley Cyrus, among others.


I know it's for a good cause and all, but I dropped steadily from excited to suicidal as that list of names went on. Jesus be a pitch pipe.

Friday, August 15, 2008

As My Race Gently Weeps reports:

Hip-hop entrepreneur Percy Miller, a.k.a. Master P, is launching a family-friendly cable network, Better Black Television.

The network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture," according to a company statement.

Positive content such as this?

Fool me once, Master P...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Douche-o-lympics

Oh really, Spain? You don't see how having your Olympic basketball team pull their eyes back to look "more Chinese" while standing on top of a giant dragon could be racist? You meant that to be "respectful"? You don't say.

I quit this bitch.

Friday, August 8, 2008

"Rachel Getting Married"

No snark here, folks. I just think I really want to see this movie.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Lil' Coop Is GANGSTA

So you've probably already heard about your (and my) boyfriend Anderson Cooper talkin' shit on Living Lohan while he was filling in for Regis on Regis & Kelly. Then Dina Lohan made a statement to OK! Magazine in response, saying it was "bad karma" for Anderson to be so "cruel."

What, you thought he was going to apologize? Ol' Silver Fox keeps it too real. Check the video.

So now, Ali's father Michael Lohan has stepped in saying:

I think Anderson Cooper is an opinionated, hypocritical idiot who should be an adult and keep his opinion to himself. He is the last person to judge anyone, when he and his own family have their own issues.

He obviously doesn't know how deep AC rolls. I could round up at least 30 girls and gays to ride on his ass TONIGHT. Watch yourself, Lohan.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Obvious Douchebag Watchlist

Now that he's recovered from surgery following a major car accident with a "female family friend," Morgan Freeman has confirmed that he and his wife of 20+ years are getting a divorce.


Having the jaws of life drag your ass out of the wreckage should been enough of a sign that God don't like ugly, Mr. Freeman. I'm just saying.

Look, all the details aren't out yet, but if it walks like a douchebag and talks like a douchebag; well, you know the rest. So I'm putting Morgan Freeman on notice. I don't give a hot damn how cute those penguins were.

Paris Hilton for President

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

It had been how long since we'd heard from this bitch? And John McCain had to go and rile her up. Nice job, gramps.

Paris Hilton released a mock-campaign video spoofing McCain's recent ads that unfavorably compared Obama to Hilton and Britney Spears (despite the fact that Paris' mom had previously donated money to McCain's campaign).

It's all fun and games now, but remember this is the same nation of douchebags that elected both Schwarzenegger and Jesse "the Body" Ventura to public office. I can't.

I'll be straight up though, nothing would make me happier than seeing White House painted pink... And her energy plan is solid... And I was hoping for a woman in the White House next year...

Maybe I'll be voting this November after all.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


I guess the answer to "now what?" is "throw myself out a fucking window."

My hatred for Maroon 5 is deep and long-standing, and I still haven't forgiven Counting Crows for desecrating "Big Yellow Taxi" with that no-talent Vanessa Carlton. I would rather eat hair than watch Douchefest '08 broadcast over my interwebs. Next.

Monday, August 4, 2008

And They Are Dead-Ass Serious

I had heard about this ad, but hadn't actually seen it till my friend Mike shot me the YouTube link tonight.

In case you were thinking this was a clever internet satire of modern American moral standards...*buzzer* WRONG. AshleyMadison (I will not link to that mess) is an actual website that hooks married people up with paramours, and this commercial really ran on television for awhile until it got pulled for, well, being slime.

Lord, I need thee every hour.

People that know me know I'm no great champion for the concept of marriage, but this is absurd. And how much did they have to pay poor Fat-Fat to play the "unfuckable broad" in this commercial? 'Cause that's all she will ever be known for now.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Code Red

Is he out of his fuckin mind??

If you haven't heard, Toby Keith's new movie (damn this recession!) and single, both titled "Beer for My Horses," actually advocate lynching. That's right: lynching.

Grandpappy told my pappy, back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street for all the people to see

...Back up the damn bus. How did we get here?

I guess free speech is free speech, but I'm actually more than a little disappointed Stephen Colbert let him perform this mess on his show.

Beyond that, I imagine Mr. Keith's tour won't be making any stops in Compton or Bed-Stuy so he may not have much to worry about. You and I on the other hand need to be on full Douchebag Alert. The disease is highly contagious and may have already affected someone you know and love.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Obvious Douchebag Anthem

Douchebags, date rapists, and skeeves: allow me to introduce you to your Summer 2008 anthem.

Please Excuse My Hands [Feat. Jamie Foxx & The-Dream] (Explicit Album Version) - Plies

What is we gon' do? Between this and "Dat Baby," I can't even drive with my radio on anymore.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Miss You Much

I'm gonna need a slice of cheesecake.

The first cast member of my all-time favorite TV show, The Golden Girls, passed away today.

Estelle Getty put geriatric douchebags in their place as Sophia Petrillo for 7 years, each of which she was nominated for an Emmy (winning one in 1988). She lived with alzheimers and dementia in her final years, so perhaps it's for the best. She was 84.

The Best Week Ever blog actually has a good mini-tribute up with a hillarious YouTube video thrown in gratis. Check that out.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Get It Up (Radioclit Mix)

Oh, I obviously need a copy of Top Ranking

Get it Up (Radioclit Remix) - Santogold, M.I.A., and Gorilla Zoe

I don't know what my favorite thing about this track is: the fact that both Santogold and M.I.A. are on it, Gorilla Zoe's kick-ass verse, that Diplo just rocked my world Saturday and has apparently come back for the sequel, or that I managed to hear a song that repeatedly shouts "You can't get it up" just after I wrote a post on E.D.

No wait, I know. It's DEFINITELY the Street Fighter II samples at the beginning. Shoryuken, mothafuckas!

Enough Already!

After George Bush III John McCain's epic failure to explain why Viagra is covered by health insurance and birth control is not, Jack Cafferty's subsequent statement that floppy dicks are a "medical condition" while birth control is a "lifestyle choice," and the leaked memo from the White House that proposes classifying birth control as abortion . . . I just have one question:

What's so scary about a woman making decisions for her own reproductive organs?

You don't see women protesting pills that keep old-ass men serving up their $5 footlongs WELL after they've gone stale. (Though seriously, ladies, you should start.)

And let me just say if taking an oral contraceptive is an abortion, so is blowing your wad in a Kleenex Ultra-Soft. Next.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Lookin' Boy

I heard this on my drive to work this morning and almost wrecked my damn car.

Um . . . my favorite thing ever or just in this lifetime?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Do Not Like Them, Sam I Am

Return to sender, please and thank you.

If you thought for a second that Fonzworth fuckin' Bentley could rap, then the joke's on you. I would say watching this video was a complete waste of my time, but at least I got my weekly dosage of tang in a convenient 4-minute supplement.


Sad Brett Favre Face breaks my heart clean in two.

Apparently Mr. Favre doesn't feel welcome in Green Bay anymore, but isn't ready to give up the game just yet.

I don't know much about football, but the dudes I hang with have been calling for ol' boy to retire since my freshman year of college. I'm just sayin'.

Monday, July 14, 2008

For the Kids

I've vocalized my distaste for The Reminder here and elsewhere, but Feist certainly knows how to make it hard to stay mad at her. This clip of the lady performing with the motley crew down on Sesame Street is a-damn-dorable.

And for what it's worth, I've liked "1234" since it was leaked prior to the album release. I even stayed liking it after it got astoundingly overplayed thanks to that iPod commerical. My gripe was that it was one of 3 good songs on the record. And I'm through.

The Burger Rap

Make no mistake about it--- white people are CRAZY.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Wedding Bells

Z-list celebrities are tying the knot like it's going out of style. Hey, whatever it takes to stay relevant these days . . .

KFC American Idol-winner Ruben Staddard married Surata Zuri McCants in his hometown of Birmingham, Alabama. All I have to say is I hope homegirl is a "top," or this will probably be your first and last glimpse of her. Call me mean if you want to, but I still haven't forgiven him for Sorry 2004. And I never will.

Over in Yosemite Valley, California, SNL-alum Chris Kattan jumped the broom with some model I've never heard of. I guess you can have the Mango, after all.

I wasn't gonna talk shit about them, but the chick's name is Sunshine Tutt. Surata McCants, and neither can I.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

"Bring Him Home"

I'm snapping in a circle 3 times for all the kids about to storm the White House so Dubya will bring this boy back to the homeland. The revolution will be FIERCE.

Now go take some Tylenol for your fever.

(An aside: does anyone know what musical that title is from? I remember a cringeworthy performance of it in my high school auditorium, but I don't remember the rest of the show.)

Monday, June 23, 2008

Shift in Transmission

For those who read this and somehow don't already know, I recently accepted a job offer and had to relocate. Thus, any sort of local happenings I cover probably won't pertain to the A-town. Don't get me wrong, I still love my hometown and if Soulja Girl gets up to anymore fuckery, I definitely want to know about it. But it's really about time I started trying to make some bank. Wish me well.

Baltimore, this is your last chance.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Kanye's Done It Again

Bonnaroo attendees were, apparently, not honored by his lateness.

After showing up over 90min late, the Louis Vuitton Don was booed by angry fans. Pearl Jam ended their set an hour late and then there was difficulty setting up Kanye's glow-in-the-dark backdrop, causing the delay.

I think this is a classic "boy who cried wolf" situation: if Kanye hadn't pitched so many diva fits over the past few years, people may have been more patient. The crowd probably thought he was backstage having peeled grapes fed to him by Tibetan eunuchs or some shit. That would've been my assumption.

What I love is that Robert Randolph (whom I adore) put Kanye on blast during his set on Sunday. Was that really necessary? Is this gonna be the millennial Biggie/Pac saga? It'll probably end in a walk-off rather than a drive-by though; so, I'm all for it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

You Saw It Coming, Right?

I remember one of my friends describing the American legal system as "guilty until proven rich" when we were in high school. In other news . . .

R. Kelly was acquitted on all counts of child pornography today.

Honest to God, I would've put my money on his getting off if I were a gambling man. But regardless, I'm just sad the trail is over. How am I supposed to breathe with no air, Chicago? I'm sure the lawyers could've drawn this out longer if they'd really tried. I was hoping this drama would at least me carry me through the 4th of July.

What you got, Phil Spector?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Sit Down and Shut Up

The long-haired Monchichi is taking credit for government legislation. No, I'm not kidding.

The MySpace slut-turned-reality TV star --- just typing that makes me want to renounce my citizenship --- is touting her show as a cause for California's recent decision to remove the ban on gay marriage.

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement," she told at the Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru on Wednesday.

"Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal." (US Magazine)

Order my steps in your word, dear Lord 'cause this trick is about one step away from a bouquet beatdown (if you haven't seen the Sex and the City movie yet, quit fronting and get to the multiplex) if I ever see her out in the street.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

Fox News had the NERVE to refer to Michelle Obama as Barack's "baby mama." I don't know if that's more disrespectful on racial or sexual lines, but regardless I'm calling out the whole network as obvious douchebags. But this is nothing you didn't already know.

What Can I Say About Amy Winehouse?

. . . not a damn thing.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"Feminism" vs. Humanism

So, for something a bit more serious . . .

Recently, Linda Hirshman wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Post's website about how the current generation of feminists has been tricked into backing causes like racial equality and anti-war protest to the detriment of the Women's Rights movement.

Moe, a columnist from one of my current-favorite websites, wrote a rebuttal arguing that humanism needn't be at odds with feminism because only defending the rights of your personal demographic is myopic and dangerous.

I have long been a self-identified feminist; and I won't lie, a lot of it stems from my early-in-life hatred of men (I am, for the record, male if that means anything). But I'm an adult now, and I hope it is never said that my belief in equality is limited ONLY to women. I am an "-ist" for whatever group is being deprived their dignity as a human being. Even straight white guys need someone on their side sometimes . . . maybe not in the White House; but life isn't always about Capitol Hill, is it?

I think Moe's piece is well-written and worth a read, and this quote in particular got me right in my heart-region:

. . . We care about people. It's what we do! And if the popularization of neuroscience and terms like "emotional intelligence" -- coupled with the past eight years of Enron and Spitzer and Mission Accomplished -- has endowed my generation with anything, it's the confidence that our empathy is rational; that the way we are is on the side of reason.

Hogan Knows NOTHING

Since splitting up with Hulk, Linda Hogan has started dating 19-year-old Charley Hill -- a former schoolmate of Linda's children Brooke and Nick.

First off, are the Hogans part of the Aryan Nation or what? I can't.

Second, let's take a quick tally of the Hogans' current activities. Linda is dating someone not only young enough to be her child, but who actually LOOKS like one of her children, Nick is in jail, and Hulk is . . . well, Hulk. That leaves this child as the only possible source of sanity in the family:

Whatever, as long as none of them run for president or anything.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

It's Almost Over

The defense rested yesterday in the R. Kelly kiddie-porn trial. It's all downhill from here: prosecution is set to rebut today, and closing arguments are scheduled to start on Thursday.

I'm sad to see it come to an end, but its been a good run. I hope someone's locked up the movie rights, this is Oscar-worthy material right here.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Douchebag Dorks

My partner-in-crime Steve sent me this link over AIM. How am I supposed to breathe with no air, sir?

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

If you've never shared a living space with a Warcraft-addict, I'm gonna need you to take a knee and thank whatever deity you pray to. The only time they get up is to eat your snacks while you're out of town. Real talk.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Ladies, Looka Here

There is a problem that we obviously need to discuss . . .

I don't care how many singers/actresses/supermodels rock them on the red carpet, if I ever see any woman I know in a formal jumpsuit, she's getting a banana cream pie right in the grill. You have been warned.

And I can't even talk about Andre Leon Talley right now. Lord knows I don't have any problem feminine men, but Swedish Chef/Ninja Turtle with a peep-toe is not a good look. God give me strength.

A Scoop of Chili-Cheese Advice

I don't know if I love these sketches so much because it's a spot-on Orman impression (seriously) or because she reminds me so much of my high school math teacher, Mrs. Martin.

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

American Apparel is being sued by a woman who claims masturbation was not part of the job requirement.

Jeneleen Floyd claims she worked for the company in the product placement department since 2005. She says Dov Charney, the C.E.O., was your basic monster boss. ln the lawsuit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, Floyd claims last March, Charney went nuts on her, doing this and that. She says it got out of control when he "made several references to an interview he had conducted with Jane magazine wherein he had received oral sex from an employee during the course of the interview and the reporter had engaged in masturbation." The suit continues, "Defendant Charney sat down and ordered Plaintiff to 'pretend to masturbate.'" (credit: TMZ)

And the clothes are TACKY too.

C'mon and Braid My Hair

The prosecution in the R. Kelly trial rested their case on Monday after examining Lisa Van Allen. Van Allen alleges she had multiple threesomes with R. Kelly and the girl in the tape, though she isn't in the tape herself. She also stated that Kelly is "obsessed with videotaping his sexual exploits, testifying that he even carried around a duffel bag with his homemade sex tapes in it."

But my heart grew wings and flew away when I read this:

Van Allen said she first met Kelly at the making of a music video in Georgia about 10 years ago. She later appeared in several Kelly music videos, including one for the song "I Wish," in which she braids the singer's hair.

I had a roommate who'd never heard "I Wish" before, and thus didn't know why I always wet my pants laughing at the end of "Piss on You." So make sure you scroll ahead to about the 5:33 mark.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

The 2008 MTV Movie Awards: My Thoughts

Watching this year's MTV Movie Awards, these are the things I'm learning:

*Only 2 awards in, and I'm already sick of presenters repping their new flicks

*You, apparently, can't smoke weed on live television.

*I used to have no opinion of Coldplay, then I grew to like them when "Trouble" came out, I started to dislike them around "The Scientist," and now I'm pretty sure I can't stand them. Also, Chris Martin has no stage presence.

*The major food groups are "sugar, nutter, and butter." Love it.

*Jennifer Hudson is a real bombshell when she doesn't let Andre Leon Talley dress her. And Sarah Jessica Parker is incredibly short.

*Will Smith's kids don't ever seem to age.

*Wayne's World was a long. ass. time. ago.

*Strangely, Get Smart may have the hottest cast of this year's summer movies.

*Rhianna and Chris Brown are not entertained. (Seriously, why the long faces, guys?)

*These damn skits are altogether too long.

*Tom Cruise presented Adam Sandler with a lifetime achievement award. Fuck you too, MTV. (Soon after, I learned that I will not watch Adam Sandler's musical tribute to himself, and that El Sexto Día is on Telemundo.)

*Tila Tequila looks like a long-haired Monchichi. Think about it.

*For real, though, did Rihanna just find out she's pregnant or something? She hasn't cracked so much as a grin this whole time, unless it was while I was in the kitchen filling up a bowl with Sweet & Spicy Doritos. Regardless, if she is preggers, remember you heard it here first!!

*What the hell song are the Pussycat Dolls performing? Didn't that one bitch go solo? Are they still even a group? (edit: I guess she didn't go solo, probably 'cause her last name is so hard to say.)

*I really wish Angelina Joile would star in a halfway-watchable movie again.


*There is someone in this world who can say "Step Up 2 the Streets" with a straight face. Kudos, Meagan Fox.

*Robert Downey Jr. is "probably high as fuck right now." (credit: my friend Raina over AIM)

*Wow, the show is actually ending with Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music." I bet the bitch is still sitting there with yuckface.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Did Not Want circa 1990 . . .

. . . Do not want now.

You Remind Me of a Douche That I Once Knew

This master teacher here . . .

In case you haven't already seen it, Usher was in full-tilt "Diva" mode on TRL this week: evading questions, ranting into the commercial time, wearing his shades the whole time. Whatever, Ms. Ross.

Damien Fahey was a saint for letting this cunty behavior go unchecked. I would've been like go find Sway 'cause I'm not the one.

A Little Saturday-Afternoon Literature

I just came across this little memoir that Jezebel's SlutMachine wrote for Viceland awhile back. It's fantastic in a kinda twisted way, and if you're really sexually conservative you might want to skip it. There are male hookers and rape fantasies and ooooooooohFEMINISMscaaaaaaaaaaary

Favorite quotes:

Dick immediately began apologizing, saying, “It’s just that you’re so sexy. Give me a minute. I’ll get hard again. Let me just collect myself.” But I drowned out the sound of his voice with the sound of my vibrator.


You know what really pisses me off? People are always quick to accuse girls of too easily becoming emotionally attached after they sleep with a guy. But I’ve never heard of any call girl who tried to hang out with a John for free because she liked him so much. It just wouldn’t happen. Women are far more capable of compartmentalizing issues of love and sex and work and play than people (dudes) give us credit for.

For those of you not so big on the "reading," check these YouTube vids of her doing the piece at In the Flesh. Personally, I think the written version is better.

Part I:

Part II:

I'm Not Drunk Enough for This Mess

Never have I been happier that my cable provider doesn't include a channel in my service package.

I just saw this commercial and my soul immediately begged to be rocked in the bosom of Abraham. Or Anderson Cooper, whoever you can get.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Lindsay, Come Get Your Mom

I realized on Wednesday that I missed E!'s new "Heifer Said WHAT?" Hour Sunday night.

I was watching the news in my hotel room and they were discussing a scene on the Living Lohan premiere where Dina watches an alleged Lindsay sex tape online. Her other, younger daughter Ali comes into the room and as opposed to, you know, stopping the footage or closing the window, mother and daughter/sister watch the clip TOGETHER.

You're kidding with this shit, right?

Allow me to just remind anyone who may have forgotten that Ali is 14. Isn't it some sort of illegal to watch porn with a minor? If not, I'm pretty sure it should be. Jesus be a child services representative.

Since You've Been Gone

I was away for a few days on a bit of business, but apparently the world went all Gary Busey in my absence.

First, I check my mail and receive a letter from the Maryland Institute College of Art stating that I owe $50 on my student account. The problem with this, as I see it, is that I was never a student at the Maryland Institue College of Art. Sure, I worked there for a year, but during that time they paid me. So unless they can give me a really compelling argument as to why I should donate $50 to the school's latest charity drive or something, I see no reason why I should pay off an imaginary account. Thanks anyway, though.

Then, I head over to the BBC America website to see how many episodes I missed of my current-favorite show Hollyoaks and saw this little stunner at the top of the page:

Dear Hollyoaks Fans:

Thanks for your support of Hollyoaks on You have been the show's biggest cheerleaders from day one, and it has been our pleasure to bring you streaming episodes of the show since October 2007. However, as works to bring you new content, our streaming of Hollyoaks will come to an end. The last streamed episode - Episode 260 - will be available for viewing until June 6, 2008.

Once again, we thank you for your dedication to Hollyoaks and hope that you'll stay tuned to for more fabulous content!


How am I supposed to breathe with no air??

I joke to keep from crying. I really have been head-over-heels with this show since I stumbled on it on YouTube about 4 or 5 months ago. It's become part of my daily ritual, along with brushing my teeth and styling on the youth of metro Atlanta.

It would be one thing if the show had been canceled, but it's still going strong in England so it seems they're just gonna cut it off at a random place in the story. America sucks. Or at least its BBC.

"Cheers," indeed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

You Really Said That Out Loud?

A bit of an update from my last R. Kelly post--- I'm just gonna fall back and let you soak this in (seriously, no pun intended):

R. Kelly's lawyer Sam Adam Jr. has suggested that an alleged sex tape featuring the R&B star could have been created using the special effects technology from the film Little Man.

During the defence's cross examination of the victim's friend Simha Johnson, Adam asked the witness if she had seen the film Little Man.

He said: "They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn't it?"

Jamison replied "Not really!", causing the courtroom to erupt into laughter. (digitalspy)