Saturday, May 31, 2008

Did Not Want circa 1990 . . .

. . . Do not want now.

You Remind Me of a Douche That I Once Knew

This master teacher here . . .

In case you haven't already seen it, Usher was in full-tilt "Diva" mode on TRL this week: evading questions, ranting into the commercial time, wearing his shades the whole time. Whatever, Ms. Ross.

Damien Fahey was a saint for letting this cunty behavior go unchecked. I would've been like go find Sway 'cause I'm not the one.

A Little Saturday-Afternoon Literature

I just came across this little memoir that Jezebel's SlutMachine wrote for Viceland awhile back. It's fantastic in a kinda twisted way, and if you're really sexually conservative you might want to skip it. There are male hookers and rape fantasies and ooooooooohFEMINISMscaaaaaaaaaaary

Favorite quotes:

Dick immediately began apologizing, saying, “It’s just that you’re so sexy. Give me a minute. I’ll get hard again. Let me just collect myself.” But I drowned out the sound of his voice with the sound of my vibrator.


You know what really pisses me off? People are always quick to accuse girls of too easily becoming emotionally attached after they sleep with a guy. But I’ve never heard of any call girl who tried to hang out with a John for free because she liked him so much. It just wouldn’t happen. Women are far more capable of compartmentalizing issues of love and sex and work and play than people (dudes) give us credit for.

For those of you not so big on the "reading," check these YouTube vids of her doing the piece at In the Flesh. Personally, I think the written version is better.

Part I:

Part II:

I'm Not Drunk Enough for This Mess

Never have I been happier that my cable provider doesn't include a channel in my service package.

I just saw this commercial and my soul immediately begged to be rocked in the bosom of Abraham. Or Anderson Cooper, whoever you can get.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Lindsay, Come Get Your Mom

I realized on Wednesday that I missed E!'s new "Heifer Said WHAT?" Hour Sunday night.

I was watching the news in my hotel room and they were discussing a scene on the Living Lohan premiere where Dina watches an alleged Lindsay sex tape online. Her other, younger daughter Ali comes into the room and as opposed to, you know, stopping the footage or closing the window, mother and daughter/sister watch the clip TOGETHER.

You're kidding with this shit, right?

Allow me to just remind anyone who may have forgotten that Ali is 14. Isn't it some sort of illegal to watch porn with a minor? If not, I'm pretty sure it should be. Jesus be a child services representative.

Since You've Been Gone

I was away for a few days on a bit of business, but apparently the world went all Gary Busey in my absence.

First, I check my mail and receive a letter from the Maryland Institute College of Art stating that I owe $50 on my student account. The problem with this, as I see it, is that I was never a student at the Maryland Institue College of Art. Sure, I worked there for a year, but during that time they paid me. So unless they can give me a really compelling argument as to why I should donate $50 to the school's latest charity drive or something, I see no reason why I should pay off an imaginary account. Thanks anyway, though.

Then, I head over to the BBC America website to see how many episodes I missed of my current-favorite show Hollyoaks and saw this little stunner at the top of the page:

Dear Hollyoaks Fans:

Thanks for your support of Hollyoaks on You have been the show's biggest cheerleaders from day one, and it has been our pleasure to bring you streaming episodes of the show since October 2007. However, as works to bring you new content, our streaming of Hollyoaks will come to an end. The last streamed episode - Episode 260 - will be available for viewing until June 6, 2008.

Once again, we thank you for your dedication to Hollyoaks and hope that you'll stay tuned to for more fabulous content!


How am I supposed to breathe with no air??

I joke to keep from crying. I really have been head-over-heels with this show since I stumbled on it on YouTube about 4 or 5 months ago. It's become part of my daily ritual, along with brushing my teeth and styling on the youth of metro Atlanta.

It would be one thing if the show had been canceled, but it's still going strong in England so it seems they're just gonna cut it off at a random place in the story. America sucks. Or at least its BBC.

"Cheers," indeed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

You Really Said That Out Loud?

A bit of an update from my last R. Kelly post--- I'm just gonna fall back and let you soak this in (seriously, no pun intended):

R. Kelly's lawyer Sam Adam Jr. has suggested that an alleged sex tape featuring the R&B star could have been created using the special effects technology from the film Little Man.

During the defence's cross examination of the victim's friend Simha Johnson, Adam asked the witness if she had seen the film Little Man.

He said: "They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn't it?"

Jamison replied "Not really!", causing the courtroom to erupt into laughter. (digitalspy)

Let's Discuss the REAL Issue is reporting that late jazz musician's Joe Farrell's daughter is suing Kanye West, Common, and Method Man over a sample they used without permission from the estate.

But the real question is where did Billboard find this fug-ass picture of Kanye?

I mean, damn.

Go Team Charlie

Let's establish a few facts up front:

1) I sometimes watch The View. Something about a morbid curiosity about what mindblowingly ignorant/stupid thing Hasslebeck/Sheppard will say next and just how extreme Whoopi's side-facial will be in response.

2) Denise Richards is a colossal douchebag. The commercials for her new reality show make me half-ill as it is (as the Fug Girls pointed out, dragging your kids through a public, mudslinging divorce and then shacking up with your friend's husband before either of you are legally single is a lot of things, but "Complicated" is not one of them). But the NERVE to say having her kids on television is for the sake of their privacy?? that it was her mother's dying wish?? Bitch, please.

3) I watch Two and a Half Men.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Scene Stealer

Phil Spector is going to back to court for Round 2 of his murder trial. The last affair ended in a mistrial, and the prosecution is re-opening the case this September.

Nice try, Phil, but R. Kelly already has my Season Pass locked up trunk-tight. Murder just can't compare to statutory golden showers. Come harder.

NSF Your Soul

This (I'm guessing 80s) PSA was posted on the Best Week Ever blog today. I don't know why. Full disclosure: watching this could make you the least comfortable you've ever been. - Watch more free videos

In related news, I am NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER having kids.

"That Piss Was Digital"

The R. Kelly trial is finally going down. And let me just say, this shit is GOOD reading. I've been sitting at my computer with a bag of popcorn and a Coke everyday to check for the latest update. Real talk.

But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, now it's come to light that the defense attorney Sam Adam Jr. has been taking legal counsel from syndicated episodes of Chappelle's Show.

No lie, he is arguing that the video could be digitally altered: R. Kelly's head on somebody else's body. Jesus keep me near the cross.

I can only hope this drags on through the summer 'cause now that all my evening programming has had their season finales, I need this kind of entertainment in my life.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Me, in about a Week

Zachary Schreiber was blasting Mariah Carey out of his car window at a stop light when a certain William Greenman pulled up alongside and expressed his distaste for Schreiber and his choice of music. Blah blah jibber jabber clang clang clang, Schreiber threw a beer bottle at Greenman and hit Christine Bec (the girl driving the car Greenman was in) in the side of the head.

Hey, it's like that sometimes. This bud's for you, Zach:

Bottle Action - Ms Behavin

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

The shirt ripping. The tribal tattoos. The removal of the last E from the pronunciation of "coyote" . . .

My friends, I do believe we have ourselves a douchebag.

I've never watched The Bachelorette and I don't intend to start now. But I'll bet it's a regular Douchefest '08 if this guy was just the first to be eliminated. Go home, Roger.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Don't You Look Stupid

The much ballyhooed (oh yeah, I went there) Nigger album from Nas is losing its title. Giving in to pressure from his label, Nas has agreed to let the album be untitled.

IMO, it was a dumb idea to begin with. I know it was supposed to be pithy and topical blah blah blah, but so was Hip Hop Is Dead, and how many singles did that get? Bye.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Next Time, Take the Bus

These kids should've taken a lesson from Soulja Girl. A little song-and-dance and they could be celebrities right now.

Savage Grace

I know I usually talk about movies you couldn't pay me to go see, but I really want to check this one out. Julianne Moore's one of my favorite actors -- I won't hold that movie I hate against her -- and I love a good period drama.

Hell, I'd see anything that's not a TOTAL DICK FLICK at this point.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

One for the Kids

Just when I'd stopped asking myself why Cee-Lo changed the lyrics to the song, I was destroyed at the 00:42 mark. Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Slim Fast?

If you didn't know, America's Next Top Model named Whitney its first plus-sized winner last night. Then this happened:

There seem to be two popular theories about these pics, which surfaced on ONTD yesterday . . .

The first is that these are pre-show pics and Whitney was handpicked by the powers that be at ANTM to gain the weight and take the prize because they felt it was time to just go ahead and let a big girl have it. This would, of course, fly in the face of all of Whitney's "we shall overcome" motivational speeches throughout the season about always being big and wanting to prove it's beautiful.

The second is that these could actually be post-show pics, and despite being good enough to take home the Tyra-plated gold medal at ANTM, the reality of modeling is big girls don't get paid. So maybe she lost the weight for the sake of her career.

Either way, we all know Toccara and her "full-grown dogs" would've taken that title if she could've reigned in the ovah-ass tendencies for a minute.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Spare the Rod, Get Your Ass Beat in Wal-Mart

You probably already heard about this kid: the 7-year-old who stole his grandmother's car to do "hood rat stuff" a couple weeks ago (you can't make this shit up). Well, Bebe's youngest is back in the news.

Apparently, he beat up his grandmother in Wal-Mart when she refused to buy him some chicken wings. After hitting her in the stomach, legs, and "wherever he could reach," the cops took him to the hospital for a mental-health evaluation.

If it weren't for the picture of the kid, I'd have a hard time believing we were even talking about black people. In the exact same situation, my mom would've had me laid out in the middle of the deli aisle and gone about her grocery shopping, trust.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Happy Birthday, Dorothy Zbornak!

If you love Bea Arthur like I love Bea Arthur, you should click here in celebration of her 86th birthday.

If you don't love Bea Arthur, get the hell off my blog.

Is It THAT Serious?

Earlier in the episode, I shit you not, this same guy was complaining about being chosen "Most Dramatic" for the yearbook superlatives.

Now, I don't watch The Paper, so there may be some subtleties in this clip I'm not grasping. But I can tell you one thing: little boy is cuntier before 21 than most people are their entire lives.

Monday, May 12, 2008

That's Enough, Raven

I can't

and I won't.

I told you I won't.

My New Hero

Little Kid vs Tuba Player - Watch more free videos

Last summer I went to the Atlanta Greek festival with my parents, and while one of the bands was performing on the main stage, all these bad little kids climbed up on stage and started dancing and running around while their parents ate baklava and just let the shit happen.

What pissed me off was that the lead singer didn't drop the mic and start clotheslining the little brats 'cause that's what yours truly would've done.

See, I hate it when performers don't own their time on stage. It's one thing to talk to your friends in the audience, but neither you nor your brood is part of the show.

That's why would like to pay tribute to the Tuba player in the above video, doing his part to discourage douchebaggery young before it starts rocking that Christian Audigier and whatnot.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

All Right, It's KINDA Impressive

Guys backflip into jeans

I would normally say some shit about these TIGHT-PANTS-WEARIN'-ASS NUKKAS' having too much free time. But hey, MY fat ass couldn't do it, so no hate from this corner.

What Happens at Taco Bell . . .

Does anyone else think this

looks a lot like this


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

My People, Hold On

As FRESH already pointed out, these two seriously act like they let a little lover's spat follow them to work that morning.

I SMH at this whole clip. If that woman didn't get her walking papers during that recess, there is no hope for us as a people. I don't know if that's logical, but it feels about right.

(Sidebar: am I the only one who thinks broham looks like UNCLE PHIL?)

I Am Shocked. SHOCKED

Amy Winhouse got arrested again. In related news, fat kids still like cake and Oprah is still rich. Next.

What a Twist

ICYMI - Inside Edition Reporter Get Girls Gone Wild Videos to His Home

Draw your own conclusions.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Axis of Evil

Nelly's back!!

Anyone? Anyone at all?

And can we just pool some money and cut Fergie a check so she can stop making music? Quit it.

Doing Too Damn Much

(not even with another man's dick)

Hulk Hogan is getting another TV show. If you're counting, that brings the grand total to 3 (I'm counting Hogan Knows Best 'cause VH1 still re-runs that mess like it just came out).

What year is it?? Nobody's had HULKAMANIA since the Orioles won the pennant. Yeah, you didn't see that shit coming. Thanks, Wikipedia.

Okay. And?

The top story on BILLBOARD.COM right now is about Britney Spears showing up to a custody hearing with "no screaming fans, no signs or banners, no frenzied chase into the parking garage."

. . . Then why is it news?

I really feel like the gossip media is turning in on itself. Update me again when Britney is caught not shooting heroin. Please and thank you.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Respect Your Elders

Look, I'm not saying that old people don't need to be told about themselves sometimes . . . but there's a time and a place. And a vocabulary. (N even remotely SFW)


This post is not in any way topical or related to anything else. Here at Obvious Douchebag, you are all subject to my whims.

I remember seeing this on TV one morning before school when I was in junior high and thinking I was tripping on all the hallucinogens I had never actually tried but secretly wanted to. I digress.

I'm not sure what exactly reminded me of this, but props to this little girl's parents. When they got this on VH1, they really forcasted the whole YouTube fad, didn't they?

She's Baaaaaaack

Tina Turner recently announced that she's TOURING AGAIN. Despite intentions for her 2000 tour to be her last, she's pulling a Streisand/Cher/Jay-Z and putting retirement on hold for another worldwide excursion.

Don't get me wrong, I've loved Tina since I was singing "Private Dancer" in Pampers, but I kinda wish she'd just gone out with a bang back at the millennium. As much as I loved her duet with Beyoncé at the Grammy's earlier this year, Ms. Turner clearly wasn't at the top of her game. After 40+ years of rocking the stage, she's more than entitled to have a rest.