Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How to Douche a Lady

This is Electrik Red. Their album is called How to Be a Lady. . .



Here's a tip: try pants.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Douchey Moore

I've got nothing against Mandy Moore, but let me be perfectly clear. . .



. . .if this is some Sasha Fierce shit, I am ready, willing, and able to do the Heisman on that ho.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Take Some Time to Enjoy the Douche

This clip is awesome, and the nice weather outside has put me in a good mood. . .



. . .so, I'm just gonna let Jesse "The Body" Ventura's Gallagher 'do slide right by me. Nope, not gonna mention it at all.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Douche Your Motherdouching MySpace!

This may be my new favorite song...



...or the worst thing I've ever heard. I can't decide.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Douchebags for Marriage

The only storm that's gathering is the HUGE cloud of Massengil this ad is generating...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Jesusophile

Speaking of vaginas...



There are only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch. But it's good to know America doesn't have the monopoly on inarticulate, misogynistic fundies, yeah? Progress!

Here's to you, Jesusophile: I can't remember the last time I found any one thing SO offensive. I was going to pull out some choice quotes, but really the entire thing is a master class in Advanced Jackassness. If your jaw hasn't dropped by the 0:50 mark, the love of God is not in you.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Douche in Advertising

Take your broke ass to the jewelry store, buy some pearls, and get ready to clutch them...



I saw this for the first time yesterday at a friend's house and it almost got by me. Aren't there censors for this sort of thing?! Though it is, admittedly, a step up from this gem...

Well, if Google AdSense didn't think this was a feminine hygiene blog before, it certainly will now.

Friday, April 3, 2009

"Douchebaggery 101"

Sarah Haskins did all the work for me. All I had to do was copy the embed code...


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Douce, the Douche, the Douce Is on Fire!

Is this why people in Jersey aren't allowed to pump their own gas? Tell the truth and shame the devil!

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Lonely Douchebag

If there were words to articulate just how much I hate this song, I'm sure they'd be too vulgar to print...


Day N Nite - KiD CuDi

I never thought I'd think, "Man, this could really use some auto-tune," but Kid Cudi proved me wrong. I'd rather he sound like a robot (read: everyone else in hip-hop right now) than a valium addict. Next!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I See A Douche In Your Future

Miss Cleo announces that she is a Lesbian; failed to see that nobody would care.

Easy now.

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Tammy Bruce

This anonymous bitch right here...



Funny she's SO confounded by the idea of "talking like a white person," but she can pick up on a "black" accent like that... Heifer, please!

Thanks (and I use the term loosely) to Raina for sending this our way. We consider Tammy Bruce's level of douchebaggery to be severe and highly contagious. Prolonged exposure could lead poorly feigned indignation and delusions of relevance. ("David After Dentist"? Really?)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fighting Douchebags with Douchebags

MTV has an important message for our nation's youth: violence only begets more violence is the solution to all your problems!



Am I the only one who remembers when cagefighting was something you had to order on pay-per-view/show ID to rent at Blockbuster? Well, grab the kids and pop some popcorn 'cause now it's primetime television (and an after-school activity if you live in Dallas)...

Bully Beatdown lets victims of bullying throw their tormentors into the ring against professional MMA fighters. Because giving sociopaths a taste of the pain they inflict on others is a GREAT idea, right?

*crickets*

Stay classy, America!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

808s and Douchebags

Riddle me this, Batman...



Was Kanye West on American Idol specifically to show the kids you don't need vocal skill to be a chart-topping singer? 'Cause Britney Spears covered that shit about 10 years ago.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Smoking Douchies

I once called someone "triflin'" and they didn't know what I meant...



Raina, I should sue you for bringing this into my life. I'm pressin' charges!

It's all cute and funny now, but I promise you he'll be back on YouTube in 5 years teaching you how to smoke crack out of a coke can. What then, people, what then?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Obvious Douchebag Alert: Code OMFG!!!

You already know...



In case you missed it, Chris Brown was charged with 2 felonies related to Rihanna's assault on Grammy night.

According to L.A. Police Detective DeShon Andrews statement:

A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.


And that was just the warm-up... I'm a bit squeamish, so if you want to read the rest, you'll need to click here.

Everybody and their mother's auntie's neighbor has been screaming their opinion on this mess the past few weeks. But seeing as Mr. Lovey Dovey Kiss Kiss hasn't ponied up any bruises and bite marks of his own, I think they need to put that little bastard in jail, end of.

But like they say, every dark cloud has a silver lining. And I think the one good thing to come out of all this mess is the fact that I no longer think Chris Brown and Ne-Yo are the same person.

The Douche Dress

I swear on everything, I was watching America's Next Top Model last night (I'm pro-Aminat, btw), looked at myself on the couch under a blanket, and thought "It'd be kind of a cool avant-garde, entirely impratical, couture-y thing if someone made a dress like this." I'm paraphrasing.

Regardless, it looks like your grandma has been busy lately: guess what I just saw on Jezebel...



First off, I'd just like to say $349?? HELL, NAH! Secondly, so there's no confusion, my blanket isn't nearly that tacky. And, finally, who do I need to contact to receive my royalty checks?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Douchebags on Ice

Barack Obama does not care about Tanya Harding...



...and who the fuck does?

This video is a whole bunch of "wtf?" wrapped up in some "bitch, please!" with a side of "oh, word?" But it does give me an excuse to throw this up:

A Woman a Douche Walked By

I've been waiting for someone to leak this for days now...



I'm not a fairweather fan or anything, I just didn't want to drop the money on the single when I'm already going to buy the album when it comes out. That's fair, right?

I dig the song, but it sounds to me more like her collaboration with Josh Homme on Desert Sessions 9 & 10 than her last album with John Parish. Curiouser and curiouser... Maybe this is a sign I should give up my hopes for "City of No Sun pt. 2." I'll bet my Freshman-year roommate doesn't miss that song. Which is cool; I don't miss him.

Regardless, A Woman A Man Walked By comes out March 31. In related news, don't fucking bother me on March 31.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Extended Doucheout for AIG

Remember last year when we (taxpayers) bought an 80% stake in AIG to the tune of a $150B bailout? They just posted a $61.7B loss. FOR THE QUARTER. And you thought subprime mortgages were a bad investment


But that's ok AIG. Here's another THIRTY BILLION DOLLARS. You're welcome.

This country is being shot out of a cannon right into a brick wall. The most lucrative investment available as of this post is the 6-pack of Chicken McNuggets extra value meal.

Douchey Playground

Lace up your Doc Martens, kids, it's the mid-90s all over again. And I'm not just talking about the Dow...



Remember those guys? Of course you don't. Regardless, Marcy Playground is releasing a new album. "Leaving Wonderland in a Fit of Rage" is due out in June.

Good luck getting "Sex and Candy" out of your head.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Douche It on the Alcohol

I've always been a big fan of music videos, which is why the events of the past two days are hurting my heart...



The video for Jamie Foxx's new (and terrible) single "Blame It on the Alcohol" features Jake Gyllenhaal and Ron Howard... because that makes sense. The first person to Crank Dat Brokeback and/or Opie on YouTube is my new best friend. Get on it!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Hypocridouche

Jerry Seinfeld is executive producing a new reality series.



The series is about celebrities resolving people's marriage issues. Who better to help people resolve their marriage issues than the man who dated a 17 year old in his thirties before eventually finding his current wife, who had just returned from her honeymoon when she met him, promptly divorcing her husband. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We Gettin' Douchebag Money

You can correct the pronunciation all you want, Busta, it will always be "A-rab" Money to me. Know this.



So, where'd all the money go? Obviously not this video. I still love him, though.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

OshKosh B'Douche

First Tobey Keith, now this douchebag?



That's right, K-Fed announced his line of children's clothes today. According to the press release:

“It’s a really tough business, I’m trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans... You buy your kids a pair of True Religions then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone. With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable.”


*blink blink*

This is not relateable, Kevin. You're buying True Religions for children, why? What's the concept? And how many pairs of $200 jeans did the little brats have to ruin before you realized there's a place called Wal-Mart? Get your dumb ass outta here...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Follow Up: Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry's Madea in Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail Douches to #1. Tyler Perry.

Weekend Top 10
1. Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (Lionsgate) OPENER $41.1M Wkd [2,032 Theaters]
2. Taken (20th Century Fox) $11.4M Wkd [3,102], Cume $95.1M
3. Coraline 3-D (Focus Features) $11M Wkd [2,155], Cume $53.3M
4. He's Just Not That Into You (NL/Warner Bros) $8.5M Wkd [3,050], Cume $70M
5. Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight) $8M Wkd [2,244], Cume $98M
6. Friday The 13th (NL/Warner Bros) $7.8M (-81%) Wkd [3,105], Cume $55M
7. Confessions Of A Shopaholic (Disney) $7M Wkd (-53%) [2,507], Cume $27.6M
8. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Columbia/Sony) $7M Wkd [2,835], Cume $121.3M
9. Fired Up (Screen Gems/Sony) OPENER $6M Wkd [1,810]
10. The International (Sony) $4.4M (-52%) Wkd [2,364], Cume $17M


In related news, the previously mentioned "Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry's Madea in Tyler Perry's Madea Takes a Shit" has been fast-tracked. Tyler Perry.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Ob(li)vious Douchebags

You thought your house was a little out of your price range? Check out these two:


This is like a meeting of douchebags anonymous. These two because they thought they could afford a $1.5 Million apartment on his $20K a year salary. The sellers because they sold it to them, and the bank for approving the loan.

Don't worry guys. We just passed the bailout. You can unpack the boxes.

The Douchebag's Guide to Style

All your dreams have come true: Toby Keith has a clothing line!





Seriously, who co-signed this shit? I know the fashion industry is struggling in "these uncertain times," but damn.

If you're a gay man with a thing for rednecks (or Bret Michaels), though, today's your lucky day. But I suggest you neither ask nor tell 'cause your ass might get lynched.

There's a New Douche in Town

As you may have noticed, the last post was not done by yours truly. Obvious Douchebag has gone co-op. Get into it!

Steve offered me $20 worth of Entenmann's cinnamon rolls for a contributor spot, and it was an offer I couldn't refuse. Laugh all you want, but this is a recession. Make him feel welcome, douchebags.

Caution: Falling Douchebags

Look out below! Remember folks, always keep your balance when you're graffito-tagging a bridge over a busy road.

And he didn't just fall off, he was hit by a truck! What won't a douchebag do for the sake of his art?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Douche My Conglomerate

I heard this on the radio yesterday and had to wipe the drool off my steering wheel...


Conglemerate - Busta Rhymes


I've fucked with Busta since he was getting chased by elephants and doing neon tribal dance, so I guess I always will. I do wish he'd start screaming again, though...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Shaking Like a Douchebag to the Sun

Two posts in one day? It's a beautiful day in the doucheyhood.


Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

There are few sounds I love more than Karen O's voice, so a new Yeah Yeah Yeahs single is a "hold everything! where are my headphones?" situation for me. Enjoy!

Douchebags Having Douchebags

Teen pregnancy must be a stressful and somewhat sad situation, I'm sure...



But if you like it, then you should've put a rubber on it. Next!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Douche on a Plane

Your auntie missed her flight and the results were LEGENDARY...



I *adore* this woman. I had a similar moment last Friday at Wendy's when the cashier told me they were out of Flavor-Dipped Barbeque Chicken Sandwiches. True story.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Bat for Douches

Don't let the snarky title deceive you, I am obsessed with this song.


Glass - Bat For Lashes

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Douche the Stanky Legg

Here's my story; it's sad but true...



I was Facebook stalking (don't hate, you do it too) a friend of mine about two months ago, and someone had posted the above tragedy on his wall. As it was November and the video was originally posted in April, I did a little "waaah waaah" for Them G-Spot Boyz -- girls, if you let these stanky douchebags anywhere near your g-spot, that's on you -- and went about my merry way.

So, imagine my surprise when I saw the video getting press over at C&D a couple of weeks ago. Ô rage! Ô désespoir!

Well, apparently that extra three seconds of fame was enough for these Lords of the Dance to re-shoot the video with mind-blowing special effects in exotic locales (read: they bought a smoke machine and bribed a high school principal with a case of St. Ides so they could film in the gym). If you enjoy your hot mess microwaved a day later, then this should be right up your stank-ass alley:



I know my expectations should be well lower, but "That YOUR Hot" @ 1:56... if I wasn't saved, I'd cuss these bastards out in the YouTube comments.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Diary of a Mad Black Douchebag



And be sure to check out Tyler Perry's next blockbuster, Madea Takes a Shit, due out this Fall.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Busta... What It Is Right Now?

I was checking my MySpace when I came across this flick...



Will someone please tell me if Flo Rida' and Busta Rhymes are the same person? Like my friend Raina said, "They just turned the pic." Damn this recession!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yes We Douche!

It was announced today that the female version of a hustla' of a of a hustla' will be singing for the Obama's first inaugural dance. The question now is what song will she perform.

Anyone with even a passing knowledge of the great American songbook knows there's only one clear choice...



The mental image you now have of Barack and Michelle patting their weaves and snapping for the kids... you're welcome.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Crush on Douche

In case you've ever wondered if Lil' Kim would make a good junior high guidance counselor, skip ahead to 2:26...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Sometimes, It's a Little TOO Obvious...



I kicked around the idea of doing weekly recaps of Vh1's latest tragedy, Tool Academy. But I decided against it for 3 reasons...

1st (and foremost), someone at the Vh1 Blog already took care of it. That's even where I got the above screencap...

Which brings me to my 2nd reason: I have neither the screen-capture capabilities nor the photoshop/.gif-making skills to make it worth your time.

And 3rd--- I couldn't even get all the way through the first episode.

You see, kids, while my heart leapt at the idea of such obvious douchebags being brought low before the whole nation, the advertisements left out one key point: their girlfriends.

The whole premise is that each of these jackasses (miraculously) has a woman in his life, and she's signed him up for this reform school in hopes of making him a better person. What I didn't know going in is that the girls go through the process with them, attending couples therapy sessions and competing in the challenges.

Which is all well and good, until you see just how badly these guys treat their girlfriends. It's one thing to be an embarrassment at parties; it's altogether another to be abusive.

Some of the guys laugh about cheating on their girlfriends. Others brag about how they "run" or have "trained" their lovers. One guy is actually unemployed and living off his girlfriend's child support checks... *Danny Thomas spit take*

All this begs the question: why Tool Academy, ladies? Why not, you know, A BREAKUP? No manners. No romance. No money. And I simply cannot believe any of these guys are beating it like a cop (no Lil' Wayne). Sounds like an exit cue to me.

The guys may be tools, but the girls are morons. And tool + moron = a painful viewing experience. I only got about 10 minutes in before I went and started playing my piano.

So, as much as I thought this show might be my destiny, I'm going to have to part ways with it early. Too bad I can't give these sad little girls the same advice.

Welcome to Post-Douchebag America!

30 Rock -- a.k.a. the best show currently on television -- provided the two best moments of last night's Golden Globes broadcast...



It's getting to the point where I don't even think Tracy Morgan can distinguish himself from his character anymore, and it's fantastic.



Every time I see Tina Fey on screen, it seems I love her more and more, which is saying something considering on his my TV at least once a week.

And if you want to know more about those Ms. Fey cordially invited to "suck it," Gawker has your back.

Friday, January 9, 2009

It's Like Rubbing Two Douchebags Together

My old high school is probably using this as an actual PSA, now...

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.


(found on the Best Week Ever blog)

Slightly Less-Obvious Douchebag

So, I just read an article about pantyhose for men...



Now, I'm not calling out the men who purchased such a thing as obvious douchebags. What you wear under your clothes is of no concern to me, do you.

And by that same token (no Theesfeld), I'm not calling out their freaked-out wives either 'cause I understand they may not feel the same as I do... but if they don't like it, then they shouldn't have put a ring on it; I'm just sayin'.

No, friends, the true douchebags are the horrible people who coined the terms "mantyhose" and "mirdle." It was probably hard enough for these guys to overcome the stigma of wearing a bodyshaper; can we at least give them some dignity in the terminology? Damn.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Montre-Toi, Douchebag!

My friends, I am obsessed with this ad...



I would've been about 5 years old when this aired, and I guess Chanel thought they were too good to advertise during Inspector Gadget. Whatever.

I laughed my ass off when Margaret Cho made reference to it back in the day, but I never looked it up. I guess I'm making up for lost time, though--- as it's only 34-seconds long, saying I've watched it 30 times today might be an underestimate.

There's something about it that makes me think of Schoenberg's Pierrot Lunaire and the 3rd movement of Crumb's Ancient Voices of Children (as does the 4th movement of Nico Muhly's "Mothertongue," which I recently bought), two of my favorite compositions... I was a music major, bear with me.

Now I know I'm a sworn Gaultier guy, but this commercial has quickly become one of my favorite works of art. Which, I realize, is strange for a commercial, but what are you going to do?

And the personal irony of it all, Égoïste the fragrance was the inspiration for one of my songs, "Humbert." If only I'd thought to include screaming French women during the bridge. Oh well, live and learn.

Monday, January 5, 2009