Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Diary of a Mad Black Douchebag

And be sure to check out Tyler Perry's next blockbuster, Madea Takes a Shit, due out this Fall.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Busta... What It Is Right Now?

I was checking my MySpace when I came across this flick...

Will someone please tell me if Flo Rida' and Busta Rhymes are the same person? Like my friend Raina said, "They just turned the pic." Damn this recession!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yes We Douche!

It was announced today that the female version of a hustla' of a of a hustla' will be singing for the Obama's first inaugural dance. The question now is what song will she perform.

Anyone with even a passing knowledge of the great American songbook knows there's only one clear choice...

The mental image you now have of Barack and Michelle patting their weaves and snapping for the kids... you're welcome.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Crush on Douche

In case you've ever wondered if Lil' Kim would make a good junior high guidance counselor, skip ahead to 2:26...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Sometimes, It's a Little TOO Obvious...

I kicked around the idea of doing weekly recaps of Vh1's latest tragedy, Tool Academy. But I decided against it for 3 reasons...

1st (and foremost), someone at the Vh1 Blog already took care of it. That's even where I got the above screencap...

Which brings me to my 2nd reason: I have neither the screen-capture capabilities nor the photoshop/.gif-making skills to make it worth your time.

And 3rd--- I couldn't even get all the way through the first episode.

You see, kids, while my heart leapt at the idea of such obvious douchebags being brought low before the whole nation, the advertisements left out one key point: their girlfriends.

The whole premise is that each of these jackasses (miraculously) has a woman in his life, and she's signed him up for this reform school in hopes of making him a better person. What I didn't know going in is that the girls go through the process with them, attending couples therapy sessions and competing in the challenges.

Which is all well and good, until you see just how badly these guys treat their girlfriends. It's one thing to be an embarrassment at parties; it's altogether another to be abusive.

Some of the guys laugh about cheating on their girlfriends. Others brag about how they "run" or have "trained" their lovers. One guy is actually unemployed and living off his girlfriend's child support checks... *Danny Thomas spit take*

All this begs the question: why Tool Academy, ladies? Why not, you know, A BREAKUP? No manners. No romance. No money. And I simply cannot believe any of these guys are beating it like a cop (no Lil' Wayne). Sounds like an exit cue to me.

The guys may be tools, but the girls are morons. And tool + moron = a painful viewing experience. I only got about 10 minutes in before I went and started playing my piano.

So, as much as I thought this show might be my destiny, I'm going to have to part ways with it early. Too bad I can't give these sad little girls the same advice.

Welcome to Post-Douchebag America!

30 Rock -- a.k.a. the best show currently on television -- provided the two best moments of last night's Golden Globes broadcast...

It's getting to the point where I don't even think Tracy Morgan can distinguish himself from his character anymore, and it's fantastic.

Every time I see Tina Fey on screen, it seems I love her more and more, which is saying something considering on his my TV at least once a week.

And if you want to know more about those Ms. Fey cordially invited to "suck it," Gawker has your back.

Friday, January 9, 2009

It's Like Rubbing Two Douchebags Together

My old high school is probably using this as an actual PSA, now...

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at

(found on the Best Week Ever blog)

Slightly Less-Obvious Douchebag

So, I just read an article about pantyhose for men...

Now, I'm not calling out the men who purchased such a thing as obvious douchebags. What you wear under your clothes is of no concern to me, do you.

And by that same token (no Theesfeld), I'm not calling out their freaked-out wives either 'cause I understand they may not feel the same as I do... but if they don't like it, then they shouldn't have put a ring on it; I'm just sayin'.

No, friends, the true douchebags are the horrible people who coined the terms "mantyhose" and "mirdle." It was probably hard enough for these guys to overcome the stigma of wearing a bodyshaper; can we at least give them some dignity in the terminology? Damn.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Montre-Toi, Douchebag!

My friends, I am obsessed with this ad...

I would've been about 5 years old when this aired, and I guess Chanel thought they were too good to advertise during Inspector Gadget. Whatever.

I laughed my ass off when Margaret Cho made reference to it back in the day, but I never looked it up. I guess I'm making up for lost time, though--- as it's only 34-seconds long, saying I've watched it 30 times today might be an underestimate.

There's something about it that makes me think of Schoenberg's Pierrot Lunaire and the 3rd movement of Crumb's Ancient Voices of Children (as does the 4th movement of Nico Muhly's "Mothertongue," which I recently bought), two of my favorite compositions... I was a music major, bear with me.

Now I know I'm a sworn Gaultier guy, but this commercial has quickly become one of my favorite works of art. Which, I realize, is strange for a commercial, but what are you going to do?

And the personal irony of it all, Égoïste the fragrance was the inspiration for one of my songs, "Humbert." If only I'd thought to include screaming French women during the bridge. Oh well, live and learn.

Monday, January 5, 2009