Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Obvious Douchebag Sighting

What's that driving 8 car lengths behind the nearest visible vehicle during rush hour traffic? A Mercedes-Benz?? GTFOH

Where there is vehicular fuckery, there is likely to be a Benz at the source. They're not like motorcycles, all they really do is make you feel bad about the limitations of your own car. When a biker goes up the middle of the lane during stand-still congestion, sure we all hate them but only 'cause we can't be them. And that's natural.

Mercedes drivers are the ones who get into the left lane on the highway and then drive at a speed so slow it seems as though they're afraid a bug will hit the windshield at too high a velocity and they will thus be bound by the rules of etiquette to relinquish their supreme driving experience to the scrap heap.

They're the ones who cut you off going 65 and then slow down to a leisurely 30, as if to fully savor the mouthed profanity and flailing hands in their rearview mirror.

They're the ones who park across so far across the line, taking up two spaces, that it's as if they're daring you to key their car (and the next time I see on of you do it, I might just take you up on it). Or perhaps they're worried your poverty contagions may get on the door handle without their knowing it and spread through their circle like chicken pox.

It would be one thing if Benz were as huge or as frequently piloted by 75-year olds as Cadillacs or Oldsmobiles, but they're not. They're perfectly mid-sized cars that generally feature middled-aged corporate types at the wheel. If you fuck faster than you drive, there's a problem.

Next time you find yourself out on the highway and wonder why suddenly your lane, and only your lane, has become a sea of brake lights, be prepared to find a Mercedes Benz leading the pack.

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